It's finally here! The Horrendously Hilarious Query Contest!
Post your query into the comments section below. Remember, it canNOT be longer than 500 words.
I will accept all entries time-stamped after 8am EST/5am PST on Monday, September 13th, until I reach either 75 entries OR Friday, September 17th 12pm EST.
Clients are welcome to post, and may remain anonymous, but MUST specify if she or he is a client (so these entries don't count in the 75!).
You are MORE than welcome to continue to post even after 75 entries have been reached (in fact, I encourage it!)
Winners will be announced and posted on Monday, September 20th; you must check back to see if you are a winner. Instructions on how to collect your fabulous prizes will also be announced then.
So get ready...set...and may the WORST query win!
Dear Mr. Ficher,
ReplyDeleteHello Dear! Have you ever wondered what it would be like to try and concentrate on high school, first boyfriends, drugs, and rock and roll while your arms and legs are falling off? I would like to seek a publishing for my 182,426 word young adult fiction Novel titled "LOVE IN THE TIME OF DECOMPOSITION." I believe that it will appeal to a huge audience, including the special young fans of Harry Potter and Twilight, but also real people who read other books that have done well, like The DaVinci Code and that one with the tattoo of a dragon. I AM ONLY INTERSTED IN AN AGENT WHO WILL GET ME A BIG ADVANCE AND A MAJOR MOVIE DEAL, because these days no one reads books until they get reprinted with the movie-version covers.
Meet Swann, a very special sixteen year-old girl who's fragile beauty touches the Hearts of everyone who meets her. But she has no idea, she just wants to get through high school so she can leave her small town because she knows she was meant for Greatness. Little does she know, but her whole school is infested with zombies! But the thing is, zombies are people too. And no, they don't have their faces rotting off or anything, they're still sexy and everything. Well, they look a bit grey under fluorescent lights, but who doesn't? When Swann starts to fall hopelessly, eternally, epically in love with Raven, the ringleader of the Zombies, she must make the ultimate choice--life, or undeath? It all comes down to one thing: will foundation make her look less gray when she's in the Cafeteria?
I went to high school so I know exactly what Swann is going through, and I have the experience to back up my writing. I also knew from a young age that I was destined for great things, and to be so special in a mundane world is a burden no girl should have to bear alone. Like me. Like Swann. It is my delicate hope that all girls who read this will be able to tell if they are one of the special ones, or if they really are just meant for crappy day jobs like everyone else.
I already have numerous offers from other agents but I won’t share their names, only say that they are really excited about this book. You have seven days to respond to this amazing opportunity before I will move on to an agent who actually checks his mail. The novel is nearly complete, with a full outline and the whole first chapter written. It only waits for your guidance and beautiful touch to finish and polish to a shine. DON'T MISS OUT!
Please find enclosed my hand-printed chapter. I hope you like fuschia it is my favorite too.
Kisses!
Megsie.
PS: I hope it's okay to hand-deliver it to your home address. I just really don't trust the post office. I love your mailbox!
@natalie_fischer QUERY Sally Potter, HP's lost sister vs V'mrt's son: love, revenge, quidditch! Will tap HP market = $. DM in 7 days to rep.
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. Fitcher,
ReplyDeleteI am an unpublished author with a great opportunity for you. I am working my way alphabetically through Agentquest.com and you are fortunate enough to be in the beging of the alphabet. I am sending queries to one letter group at a time until I find the agent who recognises real talent, not fluke writers such as Stephanie Meyers.
I expect to finish my first fiction novel very soon. And you will want to get it before your competition. The 75 agents who have already passed will be calling you for advice next time. You can read samples of my talent at my website: DownSouth.com. Because of the secret nature of my WIP, I’ve set up a separate site for you to read the first 100 pages instead of attaching them here per your request. I know that you want to be professional about this, and visiting DownSouth with this password:#//(8)**10^^xyz, is a better way to handle this. After reading that, you will need to offer representation inorder to read the rest.
Mr. Fitcher, Hot to Trot is a fiction novel about a girl, a stallion and an equestrion dream. Hot to Trot is a coming of age fiction novel in the YA erotica genre that is sure to crossover to the big screen. You want in on this now! Estimated competed word count is 142, 312 words, and I’ve already wrote the opening chapters, and prologs to three more books in this series, Hard to Handle, Learning to Ride, and Ride ‘em Cowgirl, all about my main character (to be named) quest to win equestrion gold. **
Good Luck, Mr. Fitcher, and Goodspend.
The Real Thing Author.
** Signing one is a promise on your part to represent all in my Hot to Trot series. I reverse to right to exclude your agenting at any time. Advance offers must begin at 6 digits for HTT and move upwards at 25% for the next three.
++ All correspondence should be made through my personal assistant. You can contact her with my offer between 10&2 EST on her home phone. Direct questions through her and she will contact me, and then get back with you once I have an answer.
Best of luck! I look forward to seeing your offer & advance. Act fast. I’m contacting the G’s tomorrow.
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ReplyDeleteDear *Insert Agent Name Here*
ReplyDeleteI’ve heard great things about you in my many different inside sources. After careful consideration I’ve decided that you would be perfect to represent my picture book Harry Goes to Town.
When talking pig Harry Porker is discover by a big time talent agency, he is casted as the spokesperson for Hal’s Vegan Bacon bits. Little does he know, Hal’s Vegan Bacon Bits are made with real pork. OH NO! After being run out of the building by the butcher, Harry is left alone is the city where he meets Cluck, the musical loving vampire chicken, who along with his crime fighting team try to bring down Hal and his evil corporation, Now Harry, Cluck, Schmitty (the rapping ghost pirate) and former child star Little Jimmy Jenison embark in an epic battle against good and evil. And in the end only one will survive.
Complete at 12,000 words, this picture book will teach children about love, friendship and the ABCs. Each chapter begins with a letter from the alphabet that is the theme of the next few pages. Example: A is Apple as in the Big Apple where the story starts off. B is for butcher. And C is for cooler and so on. Harry Goes to Town is just that awesome.
While I have no publishing experience or formal writing training I listen to many children’s books on tape. I like long walks on the beach, coconut milk and cheddar. I am a member of the National Rifle Association and trained in CPR. And yes I do enjoy bacon.
Thank you so much for reading this. I have attached the whole manuscript along with some sample illustrations my cousin Pinky drew. I feel like they really capture the essence of the story. Thanks babe. Have your people call my people
Don’t be a stranger
Hilleary Ann Higglebothem (my penname)
Dear Mrs. Fisher,
ReplyDeleteI wasn’t going to re-re-query you, but my garden gnome talked me into it. Rory Leafhopper felt that garden gnomes were getting a bad rap, considering a book like HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK by Chuck Sambuchino is making the rounds. He thought his story should be told. Gnomes have been victimized for centuries and Rory is no exception. Recently, he was a victim of a cat attack, but not just any cat—it was a banshee in disguise. Turns out the banshee wants to slice and dice Mythicals into a magical stew to gain their power and her beauty. I think it’s kinda like Botox for Dark Mythicals.
Oh, pardon the glitter. A couple of faeries were doing strafing runs while I was writing this and, BAM! A mid-air collision. Faerie dust was simply everywhere! Don’t inhale! I did that once and talk about psychedelic dreams. No wonder faeries are so flitty and flighty, snorting dust all the time.
Dag-nab-it, they changed my color to pink Comic Sans. Faeries. Pfftt.
Okay, where was I? Oh, Rory. Well, as much as Rory thinks he can get out of this mess, he’s wrong. It’s going to take a kid by the name of Kyte Webber to help skewer the banshee in the end. Yep, that’s what happens, but I’m sure you want to read the story for yourself.
Since I know agents are skittish about opening attachments, I saved you the trouble of requesting my manuscript and I pasted my entire manuscript, all 145,000 words of TO GNOME ME IS TO LOVE ME, to the bottom of this query.
This story has elves, hobgobs, a gnome, a dream-invading banshee witch, and that’s it . . . oops, nope, sorry I almost forgot about the pooka—Little Dude. Good thing I added him, ‘cause he’s been known to leave flaming bags of poo on my porch. I could add zombies or aliens if you want, but I draw the line at vampires . . . blood-sucking parasites--they’re worse than prehistoric mosquitoes.
Please use the email addy provided to make an offer to represent my story. I can’t use my cell phone since gremlins took up residence and they keep sucking my batteries dry. I wish someone would buy a plane around here and they can nosh on their normal food. *sheesh*
Love ya,
Margaret A. Golla
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ReplyDeleteTo whom it may concern:
ReplyDeleteLet me begin by saying my name is LUCAS GEORGE. I have capitalized it to make it easier for you to remember, as I will do for all the important parts of this letter. I HAVE WRITTEN A NOVEL TITLED "WAR OF THE STARS" THAT I AM SURE WILL BE A BLOCKBUSTER HIT. BEFORE WRITING THIS EPIC, I CONSULTED MY PSYCHIC AT THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL AND SHE GUARANTEED ME THAT THIS WILL SELL AT LEAST 100 MILLION COPIES.
THAT BEING SAID, IT EMBARKS THE READER ON A WONDROUS JOURNEY WITH THE HERO, HENRY WINDBREAKER. HENRY GREW UP A POOR FARMER BUT AT THE RIPE AGE OF SIXTEEN DISCOVERED HE WAS IMBUED WITH THE FANTASTIC POWER OF "THE FARTS". ALTHOUGH HIS AUNT AND UNCLE (WITH WHOM HE LIVED) DIDN'T APPRECIATE HIS NEW FOUND ABILITIES AND GENERALLY MADE HIM SIT OUTSIDE ANYTIME HE USED HIS POWERS, THERE WAS ANOTHER THAT WAS ABLE TO SEE JUST HOW SPECIAL HENRY WAS, OLD MAN JIM. EVENTUALLY, OLD MAN JIM WAS ABLE TO TEACH YOUNG HENRY HOW TO CONTROL HIS POWERS AND USE THEM FOR GOOD (AS WELL AS HOW RESTRAIN THEM AT THE DINNER TABLE).
ONE DAY WHILE TRAINING (EATING BEANS AT OLD MAN JIM'S HOUSE), HENRY SAW THE IMAGE OF A BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS ON TV (THEY HAVE TV'S IN THAT UNIVERSE, JUST LIKE OURS, BUT THEY HAVEN'T INVENTED HD YET) AND IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. IT TURNED OUT THAT SHE WAS BEING HELD PRISONER BY THE VILE, LADY GASEOUS, WHO WAS THE MOST EVIL VILLAIN IN THE UNIVERSE. THE TWO DECIDED THEY MUST FREE THE PRINCESS AND IMMEDIATELY SET OFF FOR ADVENTURE, DISCOVERING ALONG THE WAY THAT LADY GASEOUS WAS ACTUALLY HENRY’S MOTHER (THE CRITICAL AND UNSUSPECTED PLOT TWIST).
As you can plainly see, this is a sure thing and I’m certain it will be loved by anyone that appreciates GREAT WORKS such as “Star Trek”, “Dr. Who” or “Battlestar Galactica”. I believe it will also appeal to those who have very little taste in entertainment like those that watch Reality TV, Oprah, or read the Twilight Series.
Currently the novel isn’t finished yet, but I have written the first couple of pages. I have done this as a service to you. This will be one of the most influential pieces of literature of our time and, by the grace of my heart, I wanted to share it with you. I am often told that agents are simply frustrated authors who can’t get published themselves. So, AS A GIFT, I WILL ALLOW YOU TO SHARE THE BYLINE WITH ME. I estimate it will be in the range of 990,000 words. In return for this gift, I’M SURE YOU’LL WANT TO REDUCE YOUR COMMISSION TO 1 TO 2 PERCENT of the profits.
I’m sure you can’t wait to get started on this so I WILL MEET YOU at YOUR HOME sometime this week so that we can begin working on it. Have a nice day
Sincerely,
Lucas
Dear Natalie Fissure,
ReplyDeleteWhen I googled literary agents, your named popped up. I saw that you represent children’s books and since my main character has a child, I figured you would be the perfect agent for my manuscript.
Annie Hall, (I know, I know) has worked at the same company for years, but is going nowhere. Then along comes Tina, (I worked with a woman just like this, it was miserable) a neurotic overachiever who is trying to push Annie from her comfortable position. Tina, who claims to have been a race car driver, a model, a Budweiser girl, a nightclub owner, a professional soccer player and an Olympic level gymnast; has started spreading vicious rumors about Annie’s sorted past. (We all have one, right? lol!!)
Annie has to fight for her job while trying to keep Tina from ruining her name and stealing her job. A lowly job at that. She has no clue why Tina wants it other than she doesn’t have it. After a string of meetings and blow ups between them, Annie finally gets the revenge of a lifetime.
This project is really exciting for me because it’s so close to what really happened. (I mean my name isn’t Annie Hall or anything, but it would be cool if it was.) My characters are awesome and intense. You will love Annie and hate Tina. (I totally hate her…in the story and in real life…it’s why I wrote the story really.)
So, my book is done when you’re ready to see it. It’s about 200 pages give or take depending on font and the size of the paper you used. I’m pretty sure everyone would like it because everyone hates a Tina.
Call me soon!!
Katherine
Dear Lady Agent with nice hair,
ReplyDeleteDo you believe in magic? Well I hope you do. In my debut-yet-sure-to-be-bestselling fiction novel, I deal with the very real issues of magic. MAGIC MARKER is a story of not one but twelve classic colors forced to share one yellow box. They were picked to live in this space and see what happens when things stop being semi-permanent and start getting real. The issues in this book are ones that adults can relate to on a daily basis. Like what to do when that last marker just doesn’t fit because the second one in the box decided to stack itself vertically instead of linearly. Or the seven stages of grieving when one looses their cap and begins the slow and painful process of drying out. My debut-yet-sure-to-be-bestselling fiction novel is going to be the next Harry Potter, for adults. I know you must be drooling all over your face at the chance to rep such a mind bending literary instant classic. (like classic colors…GET IT?!?) So why wait? Call now. I will have representatives waiting to take your call 24 hours a day.
I have been a daycare worker for one year and I feel my extensive knowledge of coloring utensils makes me the prime candidate to write this thirteen book series. Why thirteen you ask? I’m not sure yet because I have only written my acknowledgments at this point. BUT I will be sure to let you know when that time comes. MAGIC MARKER is incomplete at approx -300,000 words in the genre of romantic suspense space opera with a mysterious twist.
Thank for being my future agent. I will be mailing my submissions to your home address asap--Possibly daily.
Your best friend forever and ever and ever and ever and ever,
Anna Banana. (Pen name)
Yo, Nat!!
ReplyDeleteI'm just this minit finsihed writing my fiction novel and I knoe your gonna love it and I really kneed to here from you soon cuz I know alot and I mean ALOT of agents and publishers are gonna want my book so you should let me knoe right a way the best time for me to call you or I woukd be happy to come to the office cuz I knoe where it is and I just saw you go into the building so I knoe your there right now so this would be a good time for me to stop in.
your soon to be best selling awther,
PJM
Dear Agent/s,
ReplyDeleteWhat would you do if you were a normal teen girl and then like, wham, you were a crazy-arsed vamp?
HOW TO BE A TEEN VAMP is the one book you shouldn’t pass up. If you do, you’ll feel like the fools who passed on TWILIGHT, and then you’ll have to enrol in a twelve-step program for Agent Regret.
It’s probably best described as a cross between TWILIGHT and THE BOOK THIEF. It has the marketability of the former and the beautiful word prose of the latter, except way better. It’s also a bit like the Harry Potter books in the sense there are heaps of possibilities for movies, video games, action figures, board games and a vegan food line, especially if you hire a really hot young actor for the movie. I was going to suggest Josh Hartnett, but he’s a bit old now. I’ll keep thinking about someone else.
I haven’t started writing yet because NaNo rules says that you have to wait to Nov 1, so I can have the first draft to you by Nov 30 and then you can fix up the spelling and break it into chapters and the rest.
I’d advise you to snap me up prior to Nov 1 because once I start posting bits of the novel on the web the interest is going to be mad-crazy and then you’ll have to fight off other super gung-ho agents.
I have a really amazing blog which gets a lot of traffic--sometimes like 20 hits a day, so I think it will be a great marketing tool. Also, my groupies think I’m wicked funny so you can probably sell the book as romance/paranormal/adventure/literary/humour.
Currently the book is set in Australia, but I can change the location if you like. Anywhere but New Zealand. Kiwis are odd.
Currently it’s a YA, but I can change it so they’re older if you think it might sell better. Also, I can change the characters’ names, but nothing that starts with a W, C or L. That shit is whack.
I’ve also had some feedback that maybe I should make it erotica because my Aunt Anne said that vampire erotica is steamy, especially if you throw a zombie into the mix.
Some of the key scenes in HOW TO BE A TEEN VAMP will involve Vanessa chasing kangaroos as well as sheep placenta. There will probably be a lot of sex unless you want it YA (I’d also consider turning it into a picture book but you’d have to find an artist that suits my high level of writing abilities. I saw a painting by someone Warhol which was cool, so maybe her?).
Anyway, get back to me ASAP because this baby is HOT!!!!!!!
Cheers big ears,
Jade
BTW, I won’t do any promotional work (especially not book signings because I HATE people) but I will go on Oprah if she gives me a car.)
To whom it may concern,
ReplyDeleteI am seeking representation for my 257000 word action fantasy paranormal romance fictional novel VAMPIRES vs WIZARDS. It's kind of like a cross between Harry Potter and Twilight only better. I won't bore you with all the details, plus it's too complicated to explain in a one page letter, so I'll let the writing speak for itself.
This is my first novel and even though I'm a plumber by day I have read a lot of books about vampires and wizards so I know my stuff. I've been writing since I was seven and once in grade six I won third place for a story I wrote for my school's weekly writing competition. I have three dogs, two cats and a goldfish named Bubbles. I live in a tiny apartment, but I hope when I make it big as a writer (with your help) I can buy something bigger by the beach.
I'm sure you're going to love my story, my mum and my best friend read it and both said they'd buy it. And I think you'll agree it will make an awesome movie (it's got potential as one of those 3D movies). It is to be the first in a ten part series.
I hope to hear from you soon (I'd appreciate it if you didn't take too long because I'm submitting as an exclusive and I don't want it to take months between submissions. Not that it probably matters because I'm sure as soon as you read it you'll love it).
Oh and fyi I've already taken out a copyright on my work so don't even bother trying to steal it.
Dear Mr or Ms. Agent or whoever this may concern,
ReplyDeleteHaven’t you always been fascinated by forbidden love such as Romeo and Juliet or Bella and Edward? Well, I have the ultimate love story. Not only are they from two completely different worlds, but one touch from the other will kill them in the most gruesome way possible.
This is an epic love story between Gwyneth Ginn, a normal sea urchin, and Aaron Ivan, the slimy playboy slug that can get any girl out of her shell faster than you can say “escargot”. But only Gwyn is able to touch Aaron’s heart even though she cannot physically touch him. Because not only are they from different worlds (land and sea), but one touch of Gwyn’s wet skin will send Aaron through burning pain as the salt melts his skin into blistering pus.
Even though the story is about animals, I assure you that the passion and psychology of this novel makes it suitable for adults and young adults. It is a romantic mystery/action fiction because Aaron discovers that his father did not accidentally dry up in the sun as everyone thought, but was murdered using a magnifying glass. And only Gwyn can stop him from going after the human murderer before it’s too late.
Although it’s not complete, I believe TWISTED WORLDS AND LOVE will be about 157,340 words. It starts off with two prologues, each in the point of view of the two characters. The beginning is mainly the backstory of their lives but it’s very important to go to know them. It starts to get fast paced by the 7th chapter when they spot each other at shore. This is a standalone novel but I also have outlines to make this a series since Aaron has many siblings. Even though this is my first novel, as a child I have tried to put salt on a slug before and can imagine its pain.
I have many online friends who have promised to support me once this novel is published. I’ve also already contacted many big publishers so you do not have to go through the hassle of pitching the novel yourself. I took the liberty of adding your name as a post script. And to help some more, I know the perfect actors to portray the characters in the movie (Kate Bosworth and George Clooney). I’m willing to help screenwrite the script so it can be easily adapted to theaters yet still stay true to the novel.
I hope to hear back from you sometime this week, but if not then I will be in town next week and will be willing to drop off the manuscript then to save postage. Thank you and I look forward to working with you!
From,
Your future bestselling client
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Agent (please insert your name here):
ReplyDeleteI am seeking representation for my 122,326-word, historical, satirical, woman’s fiction-novel, “Loving the Ripper”. While I know this isn’t a genre you normally represent, I know you will love it. I am a regular following of your blog, (please insert name of your blog here), and think that it is way better than the other agent blogs.
“Loving the Ripper” follows 20 y/o Marta as she embarks on a journey to find herself. Not that she’s lost exactly. But after her mother and seven brothers drowned in a horrific natural disaster, she is left alone to pick up the pieces.
She moves to London and for the cost of a bus ticket gets more than she bargained for when she meets Jack, an over-the-top handsome but arrogant man. She wants nothing to do with him, but he won’t take no for an answer.
When she finally gives in to his charm, she learns things aren’t exactly what they seem. Jack disappears once a month conveniently around the same time a horrific murder is committed on the London streets. Determined to know the truth, Marta follows him one night, on a full moon and discovers his secret. Will she keep it or will she be his next victim?
I am attaching the full manuscript because I know you are interested. For what it’s worth, my cat Lumpy, hated my first draft and hocked hair balls at me every time I red it, but after serious revisions that took me a whole month (I know, right), he purrs lovingly when I read it.
Sincerely,
Mel
Dear Maya Unicorn Empress,
ReplyDeleteHave you ever written a query letter to yourself? You have now! (I even got you to include your middle name in the salu’ to prove it to yourself. Sort of a cosmic PIN number dealybob.)
In my bestselling novel (manuscript), a contemporary unpublished novelist is suffering from “writer’s’ block” (you put the apostrophe between the “r” and the “s” but I’m not sure where it goes so I just edited your draft and put two in there. One of them has to be write. Oh, and I added the words “bestselling” and “novel” and put MS in parens. See if you can spot the other little tweaks I made!) when he happens upon a unicorn making a living selling rides to connecting flights at LAX.
Moved to tears by the mats in her fur, he gives her the hundred he saved by not checking a bag so she can hire a groomer (when the ride only costed fifty cents plus tax) and in gratitude she carries him not just to his flight, but to a future world where people can communicate in a strange “online” universe with the click of a (computer, not Mickey-style) mouse.
There, he discovers he has won a bad query contest on what the futurelings call a “blog”. The prize: the hosting agent will draft a query letter on his behalf.
Not having a clue how he could have been so fortunate as to win a prize worth several thousand dollars in a mysterious ethereal auction house known only as “e-bay”, he tells her she must draft the winning bad query entry. If she doesn’t, he won’t win, and clearly, he had won. One agent must decide if the entire fabric of the universe will be knit into curtains for countless innocents!
Though a lesser soul might grow drunk with power, in her awesomeness, the unicorn empress of agents acquiesces. Now the blocked writer must find a way back to September 13, 2010, all the while protecting the monolithical letter from a swarm of paper-hungry vampires who don’t know the meaning of the word “recycle”. But of course he stops at September 17, 2011 along the way to drop off a quick Monster Master Slicer/Dicer Griller/Chiller 2050 (formerly unavailable until the holiday season, 2049) at a particularly high-profile wedding.
In these troubled times, not a day goes by when people don’t wish the future could impact the past and present if not the future. I know my book, Unicorn Tears: A Novel: A Novel (you had stopped the title at the first “Novel” but I noticed a trend in publishing to add “A Novel” after every title to make sure people don’t think you really see unicorns even when you sort of do) will give them hope.
Ergo, together we will change the world.
I look forward to Your Excellency’s response,
:)
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ReplyDeleteDear Agent;
ReplyDelete(Please note: If this email came directly to your inbox, you are in my top twenty agents. If you were CCed, you are in my top 100 agents. If you were BCCed, I only want you to see the amazing best seller you will miss out on for being such a peon.)
Personally I think queries are a waste of time. As a result, I have attached a document including all 526,387 words of my masterpiece GOTS TA KISS THE VAMPIRES. (My computer’s been running a little weird, but Best Buy says the virus cleaning will be like $100 bucks, so I need my advance before I can pay for it. But I know you won’t mind.)
However I do realize that many agents are clinging desperately to the standards of a dying industry, so I will tell you about my story.
Bethy is the new girl in a tiny town. She’s really sweet and kind and every single teenage girl, plus all the teenage boys will fall in love with her. Just like Ethan does. But Ethan has a secret – he’s a vampire. And there’s lots of almost-kissing and soulful looks. It’s all really great. Especially because Ethan isn’t one of those icky, scary vampires who drinks blood or anything like that. He DRINKS BETHY’S TEARS to live. ISN’T THAT LIKE THE COOLEST IDEA EVAH? Plus he sparkles.
I know what you’re thinking – but if one more person points out the similarities to that Stephenie Meyer hoe, I swear to God I will hunt them down and stab them eleventy billion times. Trust me, I HAVE YOUR ADDRESSES. I have been studying agents for YEARS.
Besides, GOTS TA KISS THE VAMPIRES was written way before that other book. In fact, I’m pretty sure Meyer stole my book. There was one time that I left my window open and when I came home my computer hadn’t gone to sleep. I KNOW THAT WAS WHEN THE WHORE STOLE MY BOOK.
I know 500 thousand plus words is a little long for a book. But don’t worry, I was thinking about that. It can be released in about three pieces. You know, right as each blockbuster movie is released. Charles Dickens wrote his books as serials and I know I’m at least ten times better a writer than he was.
So right, this is almost a page and I’ve read that agents don’t want any longer than that.
I don’t wanna go through the bullshit of picking an agent, so I’ll only respond to the first one who brings me a seven-figure deal. You have three days to show me the money.
Huggles!
An author
Howdy Mr. Nathan Fisher!
ReplyDeleteWhat would you do if you were a Human? A Human whom fell in love with a VAMPIRE? And not just any Vampire; but one that glows in the dark? Not only that, they don”t drink blood, they suck the juices out of tomatos instead (get it? Its red like blood. Hee hee!). I’m uniquely qualified to write this awesome story because I love too eat ketchup (I keep packets in my car for a snack while driving to my job at the IRS.
My novel “Eclipse Of The New Moon At Twilight” is so good that I know its going to win a Newberry Piece Prize. I know you’ve already rejected my idea twice times (3rd time’s a charm – ha ha!) claiming you only represent non-fiction. I think thats very silly of you. I know you’ll will kick yourself for being such an IDIOT when I’m all rich and famous, so I decided since I follow teh teachings of the tree nymph Leela who tells us to always give people the chance to do the right thing. I know we’ll make a buttload of money from publishing my masterpeace.
I know it will be thrilling to be published, and can’t wait to see my name on the cover (which I think should have an illustrated picture of me, only with bigger boobies). I have worked so hard on this 275,841word fictional novel. It took me almost 2 whole months to write. But I know it was worth every weekend I spent on it because my dad started crying when he read it. My mom said, and I quote, “Honey, I can honestly say, I’ve never read anything like it.” Score! I’m going to be a millionaire. As a result, the lowest advance I can except is half a million dollars. And don’t try to steal my idea!! I’ve copywrited my book by sending it to myself in an envelope that I’m not going to open.
I really hope you buy my book soon, because I have a sweet bulldog who’s face is getting two saggy and I need to have a facelift done on her. So hurry up and get back to me. I know we will do great things together, because I have ten other books ready to be published and a never-ending supply of ideas (like this one about a young boy whose an orphan and goes to school to learn to be a magician). I know you’ll love the vampire one the best though. Sometimes its hard for me to write out what its about, so if you send me your home phone number, I’ll be happy to call you to explain the whole thing to you during dinner.
Here’s my phone number in case you want to call me as soon as you get this. 555-123.
I know I’ll here from you soon!!!!!!!!!
Love and kisses,
Jocelyn Rish
Dear Ms. or Mrs. Fisher (not sure which),
ReplyDeleteI have decided that you are the agent I want to work with! My fiction novel of approximately 309,284 words long, currently entitled SYNAPSE SALON, is a delightful romp through Asian sculpture, the horrors of space travel, and plastic surgery gone wrong.
Maybelle is a fairy, but no one knows she's a faery except for the people she tells, or people who find out other ways. She looks like a normal girl, except prettier, and she leads a normal life, except for the magic fairee stuff that happens to her.
Suddenly, Maybelle is disgusted with her faereigh life! Except a dark, mysterious stranger falls in love with her and hints of danger. And so she has to confront her mom's friend's twin sister, who turns out to secretly be a faighree too.
Maybelle overcomes her adventures, touches hearts of dog-lovers everywhere, and inspires you to buy a whole line of related merchandise. I've already sketched out some fashion dolls 'designed' by Maybelle herself, isn't that cute? This book will appeal to people, including men and women, who love the suspense of David McCullough combined with the flirtatious delight of books that are like the movie Avatar.
Also, I wrote it on a computer, so I'm ready to publish it as an e-book (on Facebook or a blog, we'll have to decide that together) since that's the trend in the marketplace.
I was inspired to write this thriller after the results came back from our school board election. I noticed that your blog usually skirts around politics, so I know you'll appreciate this chance to support your country.
Can't wait to hear back! Enjoy the enclosed faeerrree dust I made (secret recipe: glitter in the blender!!). I'll drop by if I don't hear back in the next couple of days, I know your busy.
Love ya already,
Brilliant Author
Thank you for hosting this contest, and THANK YOU to all the expert queriers! I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard.
ReplyDeleteTo Whom it May Concern (AKA reader working for big Agent Man):
ReplyDeleteOMG. This is totally my first book and the agent search is so confusing. I picked you because I think you are a real agent, maybe, and because my series idea is so awesomesauce that it has to be published asap. You could be the one to do it and it will make us famous!!!!! The first book in the series is titled EYE OF THE DRAGON and is the first in my Wheal of Times series. I have 15 books planned and have started, though not finished 7 of them.
So, you want to know about my book. I can just sense it with my mind reading abilities that you do. It's a very epic series with so much stuff in it that it will blow people's minds. No one has done anything like it. There are 25 characters with 15 of them being main characters and 10 of the important secondaries. The first book is going to be about love, life, darkness and how to pick the write fish bowl for your pet dragon. RAND DAMON is an important dude in the book because he can talk to fish, chipmunks, snakes and rocks without people calling him crazy. The bad guy is impossible to beat, which is why it takes 15 books of attempting to get him to be nice for the series to end. If you want, he could even be a vampire/werewolf/angel mix if that will help it sell better. I haven't finished the book yet so that will be easy to add. No sparkling vampire though, I promise, which is why you should send me a contract and we can get going on this money maker.
I have never written a book before, at least not past chapter 5 but I know I can deliver an epicness that rocks peoples socks off if you give me the chance. My writing is amazing and I have these awesome credentials. I own a pet rock, have 11 cats and the furniture in my house loves my writing. Oh, I should add that I won't change anything and want the rights to any movie options because I know there will be many and I want to decide everything. I am a movie expert cause I watch one movie a week.
I expect to hear back from you with a contract but have already sent with this the first 5 chapters just to make sure. I await your instruction so I can start writing the rest of the novel. And hope you like the special presents involved with downloading the attached file. It's fun. Trust Me.
So ummm bye for now.
The Author Of Epic Amazing Original Books
Dear Agent/s:
ReplyDeleteI know you will love my creator’s novel MAGIC: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE CONFRONTED BY WIZARDS, UNICORNS, AND OTHER MAGICAL BEINGS (LIKE SASQUATCH). It runs at about 350,000 words right now, and my creator plans to write eight more I think, once she finishes this one. My story isn’t over in M:WTDWYCBWUAOMB(LS) after all! I am a Hunter, so I know what happens when wizards, unicorns, and Sasquatch unite to fight the human race. It’s not pretty. Me and my ex-boyfriend Tommy are both Hunters, so we fight these things all the time, making sure they don’t take over the world, because, well, that’s not a pretty sight! M:WTDWYCBWUAOMB(LS) is a true story that took place at our summer camp. That’s when me and Tommy broke up. He fell in love with a Naiad, so that sort of ended the relationship. The book doesn’t talk about that because it upsets me, and my creator knows that. I shouldn’t have said anything, but knowing that will help you understand the fourth book in the series MAGIC IV: WHAT TO DO WHEN MERMAIDS BREED WITH VAMPIRES. That’s a cool story too. I know you’ll love all nine books in the series because my creator had her mom, dad, sister, two brothers, mother-in-law, husband, best friend, and creative writing professor read the first chapter of the first book, and they said that it was the best thing that they ever read and that anyone would be stupid not to want to publish it. I agree. Since the story is about me being a Hunter, I know that it is a good story, because I am a good Hunter (not just good as in not evil, but I am a professional!). If you refuse, I think I may refuse to kill that Golem that’s underneath your house. So don’t refuse! Golems are not nice! On behalf of my creator, I thank you for your time. Don’t miss out on telling my story to the rest of the world! M:WTDWYCBWUAOMB(LS) will make you lots of money, and it will put me into everlasting fame!
Your future money maker,
Brooke Gorgonoth
(on behalf of Brooke Johnson)
Dear agent,
ReplyDeleteYou know how awful and unfair the publishing industry can be. I have gotten some nasty rejections from some of your “professional” agent colleagues, but I’m hoping it will be different with you.
My fiction novel is so good I am sure it will be the next Harry Potter. My main character, Dina, is a regular high-school student who dreams of finding a boyfriend. When Jared comes into the picture, she’s sure she’s found the man of her life. But when she learns that he is actually a ghost and tries to run away, he kidnaps her and takes her into a whole new world. There she will go through some hilarious moments as she meets the place’s peculiar inhabitants and will make a witch best friend, who will teach her all about Dualenzia, her new home. Dina will go through dangerous situations involving werewolves and sorcerers and will be protected by the witch and the fairy communities. She will remain in Dualenzia and go through several tests until she’s ready to be taken by Jared to visit her own past, present and future, while trying to escape dangerous zombies. And when she finally makes her journey and discovers her vampire ascendency, she will be ready to find out what love really is.
A romantic and thrilling fantasy with hints of comedy and mystery, this 210,000-word fiction novel is a cross between Harry Potter, Twilight, Chronicles of Narnia, Princess Diaries, Hunger Games, A Walk to Remember and A Christmas Carol. Only it’s much better than these narrow-minded books, which will certainly make “Dina’s and Jared’s Mysterious World – The discovery of Dualenzia” an instant success.
I am an unpublished writer and I have been working on this novel for six years. I focus solely on my writing and I don’t believe in blogging or using social media. That’s for desperate beginners. My work stands on itself. My writing is an intricate process and I cannot be pressured into doing it. I need to take my time and wait for inspiration to come, so don’t go pairing me up with some insensitive publisher who will want to chain me to deadlines. Please be aware that I do not accept anything less than a six-figure advance (high six figures, not mere US$100,000). For such a mind-blowing work, any competent agent should be able to get a lot more than that.
I am enclosing my complete handwritten manuscript. I hope you are better than your colleagues, and smart enough to see the masterpiece you’re being offered. If you need to contact me, please do so by letter or phone. I do not believe in computers and will not start emailing just for your benefit.
Sincerely,
Gabriela Lessa
Dear Ms. Fisher,
ReplyDeleteI googled literary agents and I just knew you’d love my 8,965 word novel. It’s a YA (at least I think so because the main character is 23 and that’s still really young if you ask me. It could be compared to that book where the girl’s name is Mary and she has lots of obstacles to face. It was a really good book.
Mary (not the same Mary in that book I read) has to face lots of obstacles (also not the same ones in the book I read, though they are kinda similar). She likes a boy named Robert and even though Robert kinda likes her, he really likes a girl named Roberta more (although Roberta is really a boy and he’s disguising himself as a girl because he’s an undercover FBI agent trying to investigate the murder of a girl named Sasha). Roberta’s real name is Robert. Not to be confused with the Robert Mary likes. Robert has red hair and Robert has brown hair. Plus Robert has big muscles. While Robert is really skinny. Anyway, one day, things are really looking up for Mary. She’s met the man of her dreams and she’s fallen head over heels. For sure their love will withstand the sands of time. But it happens that one day, her luck takes a turn for the worse. You won’t believe all the terrible things that happen to her from the death of her sister (which is really Sasha) to Robert deciding he really wants to be Roberta forever to Robert dying in the end because Robert thought he was Sasha’s murderer so he shot him when he was walking into Mary’s apartment after dark one night, even though he really only was trying to get a cup of sugar for the pie he was baking.
Plagued with obstacles, my untitled book will no doubt be the next best seller. You don’t have to worry about requesting the full manuscript because I’ve already included it with this query letter. And I’m pretty sure my computer doesn’t have any viruses, but you might want to install a firewall or something just to be safe.
I attended community college but was expelled. I haven’t written anything else. In fact I’ve never written before. But I thought I’d give it a try because authors make tons of money. And I need some money for an upcoming surgery. Plus I need to recover my undisclosed funds from that bank account I have in Nigeria which I inherited from a man named Abdul who says I can have half of that undisclosed amount of money if I send him a check for $100,00 which I’m sure will be the same amount as my advance. Because this book is THAT good.
Looking forward to hearing from you very soon (please hurry -I’m having surgery, but don’t worry, it won’t have any effect on my ability to write).
Your friend, and new client,
Amie Borst
Dear Agent (or Natalie—whoever is going to read it),
ReplyDeleteI am querying you because I have written the best book ever. My mom and sister said I should get published. This is a 208,917 word YA/Romance/Fantasy/Horror novel entitled Fangs and Fur. It might need a little bit of work, but I think you’ll agree that it has a lot of potential.
Sixteen year old Shay Betterman is a vampire, which is a huge problem. Not only is she allergic to blood and has to take supplements instead, but she’s fallen in love with Bigfoot. Enter her parents (Burt and Susie), who are the head of VAMPS (vampires and monsters political strategists). Not only do they expect their daughter to hunt humans, but they also expect her to marry the awful Ludwig, son of the vampire king.
Now, Shay and Bigfoot must sneak around to meet one another, which turns into a fiasco, when humans catch them in the woods and take photographs. And with her photo on the front of the human newspapers, there’s no way to lie her way out of it. Shay will have to decide between the love of her life, or a life grounded to her coffin.
If you like Twilight, Destination Truth, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter (although there aren’t any witches or wizards in mine), then this is the book for you. I think you could get a huge advance on it. I’m talking 6 figures. My mom and sister said they’d send you a letter of recommendation if you want. If you’re interested in Fangs and Fur, I can send you chapters 6-7 because they’re the best.
Love you like a sis,
Rebekah Purdy
P.S. You should check out my blog. I have 2 people follow me (my neighbor and my mom). You can leave comment too!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTo Whomever it may concern,
ReplyDeleteThis is the book you've been waiting for. Or rather, the idea you've been waiting for. I haven't written it down yet because, once it's out there, people are agoing to be ready to pounce on it and steal it right from under me. SO it's safely tucked away in my brain until the right publishing house sees just how much its worth and lays down a contract that will prevent plajerism. What is it about you say? Get ready to have your mind blown. Sarabella Potter, Potter is a popular last name right now and should sell on its own, is a vampire. But she is also a witch. She is the only vampire able to use magic in a world cursed with magiclessness. And she has to use that magic to avenge the death of her father and rescue her mother from the Evil One. But she doesn't know it's her mother! The twist is her mother is guiding her by disgusing herself as Bella's best friend. There is also a cute boy named Jackson (I couldn't think of a combination of Edward and Jacob that didn't sound weird, but I could manage it given time) that is a werelieger, and wereliegers are the mortal enemies of all magic users. They hate each other but they like each other, meaning extra tensions. But Bella's mom/best friend likes Jackson too! Can we say Jerry Springer? Bella has to battle her feelings for Jackson cause she thinks he's a jerk and prepare to battle the Evil One before he consumes her magic and takes over the world. Also, Bella really likes the smell of Jackson's blood and can barely resist him. It's kinda like Twilight but not because the girl is the vampire and likes the boy instead of the other way around and no one is human. This book will be typed up gold. Clear out your agent list cause you don't need any other clients once this baby hits the market. It'll be so popular it'll need your undevided attention and so will I. I’m going to make more money for you than the rest of your clients combined. I've already cleared my calendar for book signings and appearances. I'm thinking about getting movie agent because I'd be pefect to play Bella in the movie edition. I was born to write and I was born to act and this is gonna make us both a lot of money. This is the book youve been waiting for, that the world has been waiting for. And I didn’t tell you the best part, it’s a series. The first two books have already been self-published. A friend of mine write them but she doesn’t want to anymore, so she gave the rights to me.
I’ve included the first 50 pages. You only asked for five but I know you’ll want more. I’ll call you tomorrow so we can get rolling.
Your new client,
Jane Stephens
Dude! What up?
ReplyDeleteIn a world where everything is virtual, who knows what reality is? Have u ever asked yourself this question?
The main character of my fiction novel asks herself this very question. Believe me, u have never read a book liek this. Dina Witherspoon wakes up one morning, and in between her cornflakes and the shower realizes her life sucks. Rly sucks. Leik rly. No 1 knows who she is. And she wants them to know, rly, rly no. So she devises a plan for world domination via the internet. She creates an army of sock puppets and launches a smear campaign against one website to get in tight with the admins on a rival site. When caught through the clever use of IP tracing, Dina blames everything on one of her socks, which then commits pseui-cide, and then diverts everyone's attention with sob stories. How long can she keep up the charade before everything blows up in her face?
HELP, MY SOCK PUPPET STOLE MY IDENTITY is based on a true story, comprised of chat logs and written entirely in netspeak. It is complete at well over 200,000 words. I believe my novel will resonate with today's generation of dialed-in young adults.
This is my first novel, but my mom and my best friend have read the draft and they loved it. My third grade teacher recalls me fondly and writes the following testimonial: "Wanna was the best speller in my class. Pity about the recurrent headlice."
I may be contacted at [email, phone number redacted]. I await your offer.
Later dude,
Wanna B. Author
P. S. I want Angelina Jolie to play me, I mean Dina, in the movie version.
Yellow Miz Fisher,
ReplyDeleteMaggie couldn’t make up her friggin’ mind. She tried, but she really just couldn’t do it.
After her horrendously expensive liberal arts education, she wanted to be an independent woman, to strike out on her own and make her place in the publishing world. The overly developed feminist streak in her wouldn’t allow her to take a cushy job in her boyfriend’s family’s publishing house. No, that would have been too easy. And she would have “lost herself” and “resented him” if she took the job.
Now, after three years of even more education, this time at Oxford, and countless hours spent writing a novel, she gets her big break. She should be ecstatic, right? Yeah, but she’s not. All she can think about is Will, the boyfriend she dumped in favor of “following her dream” (the boyfriend she’s been a mopey, miserable mess without). On top of all of this wonderfulness, she’s got two other wealthy, relatively attractive men (Rick and Ian) vying for her attentions. But she just can’t let go of the past.
When she finally sees Will again, assumptions get in the way and it’s a long road before they find themselves together again. But at least she’s happy now. She takes a job with his publishing company and ends up right where she would have been six years earlier if she hadn’t been so stubborn (or stupid, depending on how you look at it).
A STEADY WISH is complete at just under 90,000 words (ok, it actually might be closer to 85,000…or more like 75,000, but 90,000 sounds better). This romance/chick lit/women’s fiction novel is all about preserving feminist principles while still getting your happy ending. It’s a bit like Jane Austen’s PERSUASION, with a hint of THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA angst tossed in for good measure. Every college girl should read this as a cautionary tale about committing to a college sweetheart too quickly. Getting married before at least 25 is like leaving a party at 9:30. They should be warned.
I’m a college student who is desperately looking for an agent, so that I don’t have to find a real job (a big advance would be a lovely bonus). Other than a few articles in my school paper, I’ve never been published. My dad’s a former WSJ journalist/editor and my mom’s a quirky artist, so creative writing is a compulsion for me. I have an active blog, tmlunsford.blogspot.com. I’m currently studying for the semester in London.
Thanks for your time and consideration!
Desa Perate
P.S. I kinda stalk you on twitter when I'm bored....
Dear Sir/Madam:
ReplyDeleteGreetings, agent! I have written a fiction novel, EAT, PRAY, VAMPIRES, FAIRIES. This 1,233 page, teen MG contemporary/fantasy/cozy mystery /thriller has many morality lessons for today’s youngsters. There are so many horrible books out there right now I can hardly believe the trash that is being published. In fact, you’ve represented so many terrible books lately that I thought I would give you something good to represent. No need to thank me! I’m sure the millions of dollars in revenue that my book will undoubtedly generate will be thanks enough for us both.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like have a dad who hated you because you looked just like your mom, who he also hates, and hasn’t seen in nearly sixteen years, therefore making you a constant and painful reminder of his past mistakes? Meet Raevynn McKaliesteryn, the gorgeous, black-haired, blue-eyed daughter of Jakkob McKaliesteryn and this girl he met at a party named Jaymiee. So Raevynn lives in Louisiana with her dad Jakkob, her brothers Jonathyn, Prestyn, and Roman, and sisters Ashlyee, Luceigh, and Aimyee, and her Aunt Katherynne.
Anyway, Raevynn meets a handsome boy in her gym class, Riyan, who has a mysterious secret. Riyan runs fast and he is always staring at her. Raevynn cannot help but be mesmerized. But then Greggory, who I forgot to introduce earlier, he’s her vengeful ex-boyfriend who’s secretly a fairy prince, kidnaps her. Chaos ensues.
I think my literary genius will appeal mainly to fans of Twilight, The DaVinci Code, No Country for Old Men, and The Secret.
I wrote this book because my friends dared me. My mother, sister, and neighbor’s six-year-old daughter all loved this book and said it would undoubtedly be a bestseller.
I sent you the entire book as an attachment so you can read it right away. I had a virus on my computer, but don’t worry, I downloaded some stuff from a popup and I think that’s taken care of it. I am also planning to call and stop by your agency tomorrow just to make sure you got this email.
I’ve attached a picture of myself wearing a “dominatrix vampire” costume so you can see what I look like, and I am also fed-exing you a mug that says “World’s Best Agent” as a small enticement. Please excuse the name on the mug—I was going to send it to another agent, but the idiot rejected my book last week. I hope you’ll like it anyway since you like coffee. At least I think you do, because you go to Starbucks every morning and I saw you drinking coffee in your living room last week.
PS I feel I should let you know that I’m just looking for a “starter agent,” and I will probably find a better agent who represents lots of blockbusters once EAT, PRAY, VAMPIRES, FAIRIES becomes a runaway bestseller.
Anxiously waiting to hear from you ASAP!
XOXO,
~ ** ~Katie~ ** ~
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm someone else's client, but I wanted to enter for fun. Please don't count me as one of the 75.
ReplyDelete--
Dear Ms. Fischer:
What would you do if the purple fuzzy bumblebee of happiness stung you with its venom of sweetness and delight? In The Purple Fuzzy Bumblebee Of Happiness (women's fiction, 165,000 words) a woman finds out after she's stung by the purple fuzzy bumblebee of happiness.
The Purple Fuzzy Bumblebee Of Happiness is just like The Old Man And The Sea, except that there's no old man in it, and he doesn't go out to see, and there's no marlin.
Please request pages and you too can be stung by the purple fuzzy bumblebee of happiness.
Sweetly yours,
Appie Erry
Dear Nat,
ReplyDeleteWhat’s the good word? (Get it? LOL). Anyhoo, enough small talk. I want you to rep my fiction novel, whose genra is somewhere between fantasy and historical (and a little erotica. And maybe just a smidge chick lit, but only a smidge, ‘cause I know chick lit is out. See how UP I am on the biz?!).
THE MAGICAL PENDANT WORN BY A COMFORT WOMAN IN THE WAR OF 1812 is 92% complete at 215,000 words and is the second in a trilogy. The first one sux and took place in the Revolutionary War and needs a LOT of revision, seriously, so we’ll talk about that after you sign me. Back to TMPWBACWITWO1812 (I call it that for short when I email my betas, who don’t know anything about anything and if they know so much THEY should just write my novel themselves since they’re apparently perfect writers. Whatev.). The story involves a magical pendant, a comfort woman, and the War of 1812. I don’t want to give away too much here, but it starts with the comfort woman waking up from a dream and a lengthy description of the weather, and it ends up being a journey of self-discovery.
I don’t have any writing credits besides some excellent, excellent high school English papers that I got anywhere from a B- to a B+ on. Also, I’m really into Twitter (I’m totally stalking you. How else would I know about this contest?). I’m into Facebook as well and friended you like 3 times, all rejected, but I know that will change when you take me on as a client.
Well, that about sums it up! I’ll check in with you every other day or so to see where things stand, and once you ask to read my stuff, I’ll bump it up to daily just so I stay fresh in your memory. Oh, and if you request materials, you will have to sign a lil’ contract saying you won’t steal my ideas for your own personal gain (don’t take it the wrong way; it’s just a formality).
Love and hugs,
Your NEXT Client, Jodie
Hi Nat,
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you my book because I want to be the next JK Rowling. I mean, if 1 single mum can do it so can I, yeah? I think I can get it up to 100k words or something and it will make a banging film and probably a tv series to, better than true blood although if you can get that Eric guy for the lead that would be fab. I haven't bothered typing anything up yet or checking any spelling cos I figure thats youre job anyway. My friend Chelle read the start of it and she said its fab and that she'd buy a copy and she'd come to the signings and stuff with me and if I get writers cramp doing all them signings, she can copy my signing and do them for me instead. You can find me on facebook I had 7,249 freinds so lots of people you can get to buy it. And how much do you pay me for it cos I want to get an ipod and everything.
Dear Mr. Fisher,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog and am sure you’ll be interested in my soon-to-be-completed 300 000 word memoire, tentatively entitled THE FIRST TEN YEARS. As the title suggests, this book deals only with the first ten years of my fascinating life. I foresee a series of sequels to cover the subsequent years.
I was born in a township of only 18 people, and did not leave until I was in my late 20s. Much of my time was spent helping my father on the family farm. My fourteen brothers and sisters and I were all homeschooled through the winter by our mother. She made us read lots of books. Most of them I didn’t like, but they did teach me to speak and write proper English.
My book focuses on the intimate details of day-to-day farm life, and I have included passages where I explain how various pieces of farm equipment work, and how to repair faults. I drew all the diagrams myself, including the anatomical ones dealing with difficult birthing in cattle.
I have not written anything else, or been published before, but I did get my picture in the local newspaper once.
I have enclosed the first 300 pages for you to look over. I’m sorry that my handwriting is so bad. When I was 15 my right hand was cut off in an accident with a combine harvester, so writing and drawing has always been a challenge for me. Also, there is something spilled on pages 148-196. It looks like blood, but I promise you it’s not. Please take good care of my book. This is the only copy and since it took me 45 years to write, I would hate to see it get lost in the post.
I am excited to hear what you think of my book.
Love,
Charlie.
Dear Ms Fitsher,
ReplyDeleteFrom the very first sentaence, I guaranty you will not be able to but my manuscrip down. It is packed with action from page one until you put down page of 782. (Which is the last page.) There is lots of sex, drugs and rock and roll. The charicters are so reel and so alive they will pop out at you and you will think there right their the room with you. You will laff and cry when they laff and cry.
Beleeve me when I say, this is the best book every writen! Everyone who has red it (and that’s been three people so far) has been blown away by it. They want to know what the hell’s going on? My sister says it’s the best thing she’s ever red, including Shake’s Spear, and she should know she has a degree in Inglish and teaches reeding to learning disabled children.
I know as soon as you reed the first chapter you will be sucked in and want to take me on as a cliant. In fact I have no dowts, none what-so-ever, that once this book gets published that movie monguls will go into a huge bidding war to buy the story because they know it will be a billion dollar movie maker. (Which means money in our pockets.)
Because I am sending you my only copy I have sent it registered mail, so you’ll have to sign for it. Pleeze respond in the next two weeks because I’m leaving for central Africa in three (where I’ll be studying the mating habits of army ants) and I will be gone a at least of three years. During that time it will be very difficult to get hold of me as I will be 1000 miles from the nearest phone and post office. Cell phones don’t work there either besides which there’s no electricity so I couldn’t charge the battry every if I had one. So you can see why it’s important that you contact me within the next two weeks so we can work out a contract agreement between us.
Looking forward to your phone call.
Sincerely,
Ima Wrong
PS Because I know you LOVE chocolate I've sent along a special batch of my gooey brownies.
To: Natalie Fischer
ReplyDeleteFrom: Wannabe Author
Subject: [no subject]
Attachment: query.doc 1GB
[no message]
Dear Ms. Fletcher,
ReplyDeleteWHY HAVEN'T YOU RESPANDED TO ME? I OFFERD YOU THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME TO BE MY AGENT AND YOU HAVE GIVEN ME NOTHING BUT THE BACK OF YOU'RE HAND AND SILENCE! SILENCE? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I AM GOING TO BE ONE OF THE BIGGESTEST SELLING AUTHORS SINCE THAT NO-NOTHING STEVEN KING? WHAT AM I SAYING? BIGGER! I'M GOING TO BE BIGGER! WHAT A FOOL I WAS TO THINK THAT SOMEONE OF YOUR LIMITED INTELLIGENCE WOULD BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE LITERARY GENIUS WHEN IT APPEARED IN YOUR IN BOX. YOUR NOTHING BUT AN IDEIT! YOU CAN JUST FORGET MY EXTREMELY CIVIL AND PROFESSONAL OFFER. I HOPE YOU CRY AND CRY WHEN YOU SEE MY BOOK ON THE BEST SELLORS LIST AND THEN CRY SOME MORE WHEN YOU READ THE DEDICATION PAGE WHERE I LIST YOU'RE NAME AS ONE OF THE PEOPLES WHO HAVE MISTREATED AND DISRESPECTED ME ON MY WAY TO SUPERSTARDOM!
Sincerely,
P.S. DON'T BOTHER SHOWING THIS TO THE POLICE. I DIDN'T THREATEN YOU. I KNOW MY RIGHTS.
Dear Mrs./Miss/Ms. Mr. Superagent
ReplyDeleteI have been an admirer of yours for some time but totally not in a stalkerish way. I noticed, however, that you admire pink lingerie when you shop and as you can see I included the items you looked at last week. Though why you gasped when you looked at the price tags I can’t imagine. Everyone knows literary agents ride in limousines and drink champagne at the drop of a hat. I would have shipped it separately from the ten copies of my fiction novel but I wanted you to know it was from me and not from some other fiction novel writer.
I have a wonderful 300,027 BEST SELLER I want you to sell for me. You really don’t need to read it first because both my mother and father gave it rave reviews. It’s about my neighbor the vampire--- don’t worry my neighbor is named Bill and I called him William in the book. No one will ever guess he is real. Anyway, he loves this high school girl who can’t get a tan and drives a red truck. Her name is Sookie. So William wants to drink Sookie’s blood and she wants him to and they both like to be naked. You can see that this book is a crossover and appropriate for readers of all ages. Please sell it as such and make sure we get at least a six-figure deal because I’m so much better than anyone who is published now.
Honestly, I don’t have any writing credits except this book which was a super-hit on Publish the Americas. I sold fourteen copies! Also I have a cat in my neighborhood so obviously I am a writer.
Love,
Me (You know who I am and I’m not the woman who handed you the manuscript under the bathroom door at the conference. Her main character was named Snookie.)
LOL @ Lily Kaufman!
ReplyDeleteHere's one:
Deer Mr. Fisher,
I'm writing to you because I'm a professional writer and you're a professional agent. That is the perfect combination, don't you agree? My writing credentials include three winning essays from Edgemont High School in Humble, Texas. It's true what they say about everything being bigger in Texas, and I don't mean that in the creepy way. But my writing is big. That's what I mean.
Just wait until you read it. You will love the poignant balance between characterization and fiction. I'd love to tell you more about it, but you're a newer agent, so it wouldn't be wise for me to share a high concept story with you without the promise of representation. I've been doing my research.
Suffice it to say this is a children's story, or MG, as it were, about familial love, ecumenical breeding, and they're impact on the greater Los Angeles area. It's very unique, not like the slush you probably see on a daily basis.
When you're done drawing up the contracts, email my secretary at ditherbee.wife@yahoo.com. She can pencil you in. Thank you for your interest, etc.
Gary Ditherbee
p.s. I'll call next week to follow up.
Hi there Natalie Fisher!
ReplyDeleteI know you don't represent sci-fi but I think you'll make an exception for MY PAL SCRUFFY: AN INSPIRATIONAL STORY OF A GIRL AND HER DOG. It's the first book in an 6-book series. Books 1-5 are ready and I'll be done with number 6 in a few weeks. The first book is about 200,000 words long and it's written entirely in verse!
The two awesome main characters are Stella and her friendly talking dog, Scruffy. One day, while Stella is in the bathroom, Scruffy gets kidnapped by aliens. Because of this, Stella must make an epic journey across the desert––battling giant beavers, flying elephants, and invisible ninjas along the way. She also meets the mysterious but undeniably sexy zombie Fredward, and they fall in love at first sight. Unfortunately, Fredward is attracted to Stella's brain because it smells extra delicious. This problem is solved because Fredward catches on fire when he steps into the sunlight. Anyway, the question is, can Stella find Scruffy before it's too late?!?! Well I'll tell ya now … She does! And they live happily ever after, only it turns out that Scruffy is really Stella's brother in disguise. And he's a robot.
My goal is for this book to be read everywhere in the universe––not only a bestseller in the US but translated into languages I didn't even know existed. When a movie comes out I hope to play the part of Stella. I'm also an actress!
So, I only have the first draft write now but I can edit it if you find any mistakes in it. (I've attached the entire thing in a Word document!)
My mom says it's the best book she's ever read. And she's a real picky reader too. So you'll love it! And if you don't, I'll eat my hat! I don't even own a hat, but if you don't like it I'll buy a hat. And eat it. LOL.
I can't wait to work with you! Your awesome! And did I mention you're really pretty too? :)
Love,
Brigid <3 <3 <3
Hey!
ReplyDeleteI emailed you my query almost 17 minutes ago. Did it get through your spam filter? It should have because I followed the directions I found on Nathan's blog. Really, if you hadn't visited your sick mother last weekend you wouldn't be so tired now and would have already finished my book and had it up for auction.
Are you snarking me with your silence? Everyone knows all agents like to snark at the best writers, the ones who write classic literary vampire fiction novels. Don't make me go on twitter and tell my seventy-two followers that you are mean.
Love, Me
Mrs. Masculine Malename
ReplyDeleteHarpo Cullens Publishing
To the Supreme and Merciful God of my Universe,
Based off of the fact that your avatar was cuter than the other editors on the publisher’s website, I am submitting my novel PROVOLONE % MONTEREY JACK for your publishing consideration. This book is the wet dream for everyone who is sad there are only 4 twilight books.
There are two types of school bus drivers. Those who do it because they hate children, those who can never find their vehicle in a parking lot unless it’s painted bright yellow and weighs over 11 tons, and those who are in it for the government sponsored health benefits.
Then there’s Carrol the Barrel, a pirate with a peg arm who can only talk in a Shakespearean accent, who knows that a big yellow cheese wedge is the best place for a child predator to find a fix.
Surviving on a diet of two Altoids a day, and the student lunches of Peanut Butter Jelly sandwiches and Strawberry Yoo-hoos occasionally *cough* “left behind” on the bus, Carol bides her time until the high schoolers are released for the day and the “hunting season” opens.
Knowing she could never settle for anything less than a pre-pubescent high school boy who knows how to code hexadecimal, likes Audrey Hepburn movies, knows an Emerald engagement ring would compliment her eyes more than a diamond one, and who is of a different species and has supernatural powers, Carrol ignores the advice of her lobster shoulder angel and falls in love with the Superintendent Bus Transportation’s son, Jack—the object d’ drool Ninja Elf in seat 13B.
With no apparent reason for her attraction, besides Jaq’s raging hormones, his handsome red hair and green eyes, the temptation to flirt with professional career suicide, and no authoritative responsible guardian figures to give a flying rat’s behind to discourage the tryst, they defy all odds and anti-climatically remain virgins.
Please enjoy my book of visual diarrhea and pulchritudinous purple prose.
Personally Involved,
My Name written in an oversized calligraphic phont so it looks like I really signed it
Deep Sea Research Lab
Latitude-40.760092, Longitude-73.975096
You already know this, but I'm a client. :D LOL. I just wanted to enter for the fun of it. :D
ReplyDelete-----------------------------------------------
To: Natalie Fischer, Colleen Lindsay, Laura Bradford, Janet Reid, Holly Root…
From: Babygotback@yahoo.com
Subject: Querie
------------------------------------------------
Dear sir/madam/ ? :
I have writ a bootiful dark picture book about a walrus and a vampire kitten. Since u say on twitter (even though I think twitter is DUMB) u luv kittens, or have kittens, or something. I know u will luv my storie. I read it 2 my kid and she luv it, 2! I even had her draw the pictures.
Since I need money real bad, u r going 2 have 2 get me a 6-figure deal, minimum. After all, if that 1-shot wonder Stephanie Meyers can do it with sparkling vampires (don’t get me started on THAT!) and J.K Rowling has those stupid Wizards that fly on BROOMSTICKS, than I can do it with vampire kittens. Oh and did I tell u, the kittens have UNICORN horns!
This picture book is 5,000 words and has 100 pages of PICTURES, by my little angel of course. I don’t know why she put in snakes and bugs and trucks and stuff, but just ignore those. She says they add to the boy appeal. Smart, huh?
I have attached the full color story in a .pdf. U can’t print it or anything because I’ve passworded it because I don’t want u to steal my idea since it’s so gr8.
I know u r busy, so if u don’t respond in 24hours, I’ll make sure to stop by your office so u don’t lose out.
Toodles!!
YO, DUDE!
ReplyDeleteSORRY BOUT THE CAPS BUT MY BF GOT SICK N TIRED OF ME NOT CAPITALIZIN MY “I”S, SO HE SUPERGLUED MY CAPS LOCK KEY DOWN SO IM REALLY NOT YELLIN AT YOU BUT IM WRITIN TO YOU ABOUT MY BOOK WHICH IM SURE YOUR GONNA LUV CAUSE I TOTALLY LUV IT SO HOW CAN YOU NOT LUV IT RIGHT? I LIKE TO THINK THAT IM GONNA BE THE NEXT STEPHENIE MEYERS CAUSE WHEN I WROTE MY BOOK I TRIED TO MAKE IT AS MUCH LIKE HERS AS I COULD CAUSE IF SHE CAN GET ALL RICH N SHIT I CAN TO IF I WRITE A BOOK LIKE HERS RIGHT? SO I GUESS YOUR WONDERIN ABOUT MY BOOK AND WHY WOULDN’T YOU CAUSE IM WRITIN TO YOU N ALL BOUT IT SO THERES THIS GIRL AND SHE LIVES BACK IN CAVE MAN DAYS WITH HER MOM BUT THEY DONT LIVE WITH NO ONE ELSE JUST THEM BUT THEN THIS GUY—HE’S ALL HURT N SHIT—HE FLOATS DOWN THE RIVER TO THEM WHERE THE MOM FIXES HIM ALL UP N SHIT BUT HES ALL FLIRTIN WITH THE GIRL AND THE MOM DOESN’T LIKE THAT TO GOOD SO SHE TELLS HIM TO SCRAM BEFORE HE CAN KNOCK HER UP—CAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHAT A SCREAMIN BRAT IS LIKE RIGHT—SO HE GOES AWAY BUT THEY FOLLOW HIM AND THEY START LIVING WITH HIS PEOPLE BUT THEN THE DAUGHTER GOES AWAY BUT THEN SHE COMES BACK WITH MORE WOMEN. OH. AND THEY HAVE MAGIC POWERS N SHIT. ITS REALLY A COOL STORY CAUSE I CAME UP WITH IT ALL ON MY OWN. SO—ABOUT ME—WELL I DONT GOT NOTHING PUBLISHED OR NOTHING BUT IVE BEEN WRITIN SINCE I WAS A KID AND IVE ALWAYS LOVED IT I MEAN MY TEACHERS SENT ME TO YOUNG AUTHORS CONFERENCES N SHIT EVERY YEAR CAUSE THEY BELIEVED SO MUCH IN ME AND IVE ALWAYS LOVED WRITIN WELL EXCEPT FOR WHEN MY HUSBAND TOLD ME I WAS NO GOOD SO I QUIT FOR A WHILE BUT NOW IM A SINGLE MOM WHOSE TRYING TO GET RICH SO I DON’T HAVE TO WORK TO DAM JOBS JUST TO SUPPORT THE BASTARDS MY EX STUCK ME WITH. OH SORRY ABOUT THE SMUDGES BUT MY MA TOLD ME THAT MONKEYS CHOOSE FROM THESE THINGS SO I SMEARED SOME REALLY RIPE BANANAS ON IT SO THEY WOULD CHOOSE MINE CAUSE I REALLY WANNA BE RICH OH AND I PLAN ON IT BEING A SERIES SO I WANNA ATE BOOK DEAL AND IF YOU COULD GET ME A MOVIE DEAL THATD BE GREAT TO. IVE SENT YOU THE WHOLE THING TO SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE OF HAVIN TO ASK FOR IT SINCE I KNOW YOU WAS GONNA ANYWAYS OH AND SORRY ABOUT THE TORN PAGES—YOU KNOW HOW BRATTY KIDS CAN BE WHEN YOU ONLY FEED THEM ONCE A DAY—BUT I TRIED TO TAPE IT BACK TOGETHER SO YOU COULD READ IT.
YOUR BITCH,
TERI
Dear -Mr-,-Mrs-Fisker-, Future Agent,
ReplyDeleteHave U ever dreamt of being a mermaid? If so, my manuscript is definitely 4 you. My 185,000 word fictional novel is just what the Y.A. world is looking for. It’s sure 2B a best-seller w/ it's forbidden love along the lines of Stephanie Meyer but in a completely FRESH and NEW way.
In chpt1, we meet our protagonist, Coral, when she wakes up to a beautiful morning full of possibility.She’s spunky &hot-headed at 16(cuz this is for a teen audience) &is a mermaid. But not just any mermaid, no. She’s also 1/2siren hidin in the human world.After meeting Coral, we meet her best friend, Nixie,& then the leading male, Jackson whose (or is that who’s?) hunky but sensitive,&…a human which is obvs not good when your interested in a Siren. If only he knew. &then there’s also Seton who likes Coral, but Coral doesn’t know that &Pearl who likes Seton &hates Coral. &who does Nixie like? Maybe she got her eye on Doug. It’s a love hexagon of epic proportions!! &of course hilarious events ensue b/c of this mixed up hormonal love. But it’s not all fun &games. Oh no. Our dear Coral that you can’t help, but relate to is hiding the truth from her dream guy. Jackson has no idea she’s a siren…& it could spell deadly trouble for him. We find this out when we really get into the story in chpt13.But don’t worry, everything ends happily-ever-after for our lovable couple.
I know you may be thinking at 185,000 FISH BREATH is too long, but need I remind you again of Stephanie Meyer?Didn’t think so. &speak of, I could change the mermaid part to being vampires. Just a thought. &this can also be a series, so give me the word &I’ll start working on bks2-17. Just in case u don’t get my email, I’ll stop by ur office &drop my Querie Letter off in person. I am, after all, much more personable in the flesh. &here’s my website link, w3.imawesome&willsellmillionsobooks.com so take a look at my photos so u can easily recognize me when I stop by. Pls respond immediately to me &I look forward to hiring U as my agent.
Thanks, Mrs. Potzahhh (pls learn my name I know it can b confusin…should I use an easier pen name?)
P.S.-In my pictures, which do u think is better: my L or R side? I need 2know 4 my author photo
To whom it may concern,
ReplyDeleteI am writing to you with what is quite honestly the offer of a lifetime. I have compiled for speedy publication a 510,000-word compilation of stories titled “This is My Toy Box, and You are My Toys.” This remarkable compendium of distinctively personal tales, recounts the life of a man that has not only conquered every challenge ever tossed his way, but has done it with a distinctive style and panache all his own. In case you haven’t already guessed it, I am this man, and he is I. For upwards of fifty years, the universe has served as my playground and the planet Earth the sandbox in which I have chosen to construct my castle. This is a story that quite simply must be told.
In “This is My Toy Box, and You Are My Toys” readers find themselves sitting beside me on the bus as a child while I finger aimlessly through a torn and weathered copy of “Glas” by the great Jacques Derrida. They join me as I come to the faithful decision to avoid the frugal dictates of higher education and set forth instead on a journey to the heart of Africa with only my wits, and a monkey named Atlas at my side. They feel my pain and share in my awful tears when poor beautiful Atlas is taken from my very arms by a group of nefarious poachers – never to be seen again. They walk alongside me in me as I often dip my toes in the waters of love and other such humanly relationships. They understand my pain when I discover I am above the frivolities of man – that I am meant for something more.
Already the stories have received critical acclaim from reviewers as far as the shores of the Ivory Coast, to the art and culture capital of the world Paris, France, and even the simplistic bread and butter heartland of my unfortunate home, The United States of America. Whether the reader is a king, a queen, a pauper, or a rube, there are lessons to be from the words within this manuscript. There is sweat on these pages – sweat and blood, and the heart of a man with an undeniable wisdom in his words. There is much to be learned, even from the heart wrenching double-spaced lines between.
To simply pass on this gift-wrapped piece of loveliness being offered to you here today would in fact be an absolute travesty on your part – the sort of mistake you might never live down – a blunder that would undoubtedly mark you forever with the letter “F.”
“F” for fool.
I implore you, do not miss this opportunity. Do not allow it to slip through your fingers. You owe it to the art world. You owe it to mankind. Dare I say, ou owe it to yourself.
I shall await your immediate reply,
Edward Samuel-Williams-Potnoy Sacchacin III
Dear Mr. Agent,
ReplyDeleteI know you probably get about a MILLION of these things every day, but I promise you THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT! Let me tell you about my novel. Skylar has a problem and when he comes to a ranch for troubled kids, they’re supposed to help him solve that problem. Unfortunately, Skylar doesn’t want to be helped, he just wants to get off the ranch. So he’s evil to everyone and makes them all hate him.
When that doesn’t work, he tries to run away by hiking into the woods, but someone is already waiting for him. He gets bitten by…wait for it…a vampire! So then he stumbles back to the ranch and tries to bite everyone. The owner of the ranch’s daughter’s sister’s cousin’s boyfriend stakes him and in a huge twist, he dies. But then we find out that the boyfriend is a werewolf and the focus of the story switches to him and ends on a huge cliffhanger where he turns into a wolf and turns on the entire ranch.
My novel is SO much better than Twilight and all the other horrible books out there. If those are popular, than mine should be a bestseller overnight! Everyone is going to love this book, from middle schoolers to the elderly. Maybe even parents can read it to their little kindergarteners! It really is a book for all ages! I’ve enclosed my 637-page manuscript for your reading pleasure. It’s the first book in a forty-five book series covering six hundred years. I can’t wait for you to find a home for it!
I am the author of twelve self-published children’s books that never sold a copy for some reason. I won a school writing contest in third grade with a prize of $10. My kindergarten teacher praised me as being one of her “most gifted students ever.”
Signed,
Soon-to-be your new bestselling author client
Dear Agent Lady,
ReplyDeleteI am ten years old and another girl at my school who is only eight is having a book published and, like, I’m really super jealous, because she is younger than me and I have been writing since way back when I was five. Life is so unfair!
Anyway, after all my hard work thinking and daydreaming about becoming a celebrity writer and having JK Rowling as my BFF, I think I deserve a break. And I think you do too. So here is the deal. You, like, send me a million dollars (and JK Rowling’s phone number so I can call her up and chat to her about Dan Radcliffe) and I will write the best story in the world. I’ll call it – ‘The Bestest Story Eva’ and after it’s a book, it can be made into an awesome movie starring Dan Radcliffe and me, coz, like, after I’ve made it as a writer I wanna branch out into acting and stuff.
Anyway, I’ll give you one day to send me the money. If you don’t do it, you’ll miss out on your big break with me. And later, when I’m a massive star in Hollywood and I’m in all the magazines and on the red carpet, you’ll say, ‘I wish I was that girl’s agent!’
But whatevs... just, like, hurry up coz I’m not getting any younger here!!!
Regards and stuff,
From the Writer of ‘The Bestest Story Eva!’ (A soon to be New York Times Bestseller!)
PS: If you can’t get Daniel Radcliffe to star in my book’s movie, then just get that boy that plays Merlin – I think he’s way cute, better than Arthur. (Do you watch Merlin? One of my friends has a crush on the dragon, I think she’s weird – What do you think? Get back to me about it asap...)
PPS: IMPORTANT INFO: I nearly forgot - If you be my agent, I will thank you at the beginning of ‘The Bestest Story Eva!!!
Vanessa S.G (I couldn't create comment name so had to go anon)
Dear Nathan,
ReplyDeleteHave you ever wished mythical creatures like dragons and unicorns were real? Have you ever wondered if there was more too the world than what we see? Have you ever thought you were so ordinary that nothing exciting would ever happen too you? Have you ever had a crush on a guy who you thought didn’t know you exist? Have you ever wanted all your dreams too come true? I’ve wondered all these things. My name is Isabella Crane, and this is my story.
On my 16th birthday, I just new something exciting had too happen. And then it did. At the exact minute of my birth I felt strange magical powers rushing threw my body. I fainted and when I woke up, Edmund Collins, the hottest most mysterious guy in school was holding me. He told me I was a Seer, like him, but because my grandmother was a witch and my grandfather was a faerie, I was the most powerful Seer ever born. Also, he was a half-vampire, half-angle, half-shapeshifter, half-demon so he was going to teach me everything I needed too know. Now I could see all the amazing creatures that were all around us all the time. Mortals can’t see them but me and Edmund can.
Everything was great and all the popular girls at school were all jealous because I was with super-hot Edmund and he totally loved me and wanted too marry me and everything. Then, this wizard came too town and he wanted too marry me instead because I was so powerful but he was evil and said he would destroy all the mythical creatures if I didn’t marry him. So my life was turned upside down and I had to make a choice between the guy I loved and saving the world of magic.
Thanks, Isabella, I’ll take it from here. Hi, I’m Liz. I’m almost finished with my 150,000 word urban fantasy/paranormal romance/steampunk/erotic thriller/dystopian/literary fiction novel EVENING and it’s going to be way bigger than Twilight or Harry Potter. I want an agent who will get me a six-figure deal and movie rights, but I want to have the final say on the casting decisions because I totally know who should be Isabella and Edmund. I’ve attached all the chapters that are written as a .wps file because I know you’ll want to read the whole thing.
If you don’t take me as a client you’ll totally regret it, and I’ll send you a copy of my advance check so you know what a big mistake you made. Seriously, this book is going to be huge. And I’m totally willing to change the story if you think it’s bad.
I need too know your answer buy the end of the week because my friends are booking tickets too Florida for Spring Break and I can only go if I get an advance soon.
TTYL,
Liz
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDearest Mr. Agent F_______,
ReplyDeleteHave you ever wondered what it would be like to be a princess in a fairy tale? Today is your lucky day, because I am offering you a chance to fall into the world of happily-ever-after by reading my amazingly fabulous young adult fantasy fairy tale fiction novel titled YOU STAR IN A FAIRY TALE. It will be approximately 129,439.25 words once I actually finish righting it.
In this story, you are the star. It's a fairy tale set in fairy tale times. And there's a villain and a hero and the heroine, of course. She/you is the princess. And she/you lives in a castle and has lots of pretty dresses and lots of servants. But she's/you're not conceited at all. She's/you're the coolest, funnest, prettiest, bestest princess ever. And it's a story starring YOU!
I think what I'd like to happen is for the princess to meet the handsome prince. That story hasn't been done before, write? I haven't actually read a fairy tale since I was in the third grade. I haven't really done a lot of reading period since I was in the third grade. I just thought that writing a novel would be super fun. And during all the 186 words I've ritten thus far, it has bean fun.
I don't even have to say that this book will be the next BIG THING. All you have to do is read the 186 words that I've attached in an attachment to see that I am brilliant at my work, brilliant at everything to do with righting.
I decided to give you a shout out with this letter because your name was up next in the alphabet. I'm trying to send out 100 queries as quick as possible. I've actually gotten real quick at it and know I'm awful good at this query stuff. I'm glad you have email cause it makes it easy to send it to you and all other “f” agents at the same time.
So could you pretty please take a look at this book that I am going to write. I know you said the last time I queried that you don't want to see anymore queries from me since I've been sending them monthly. But it would be so humbling for me, this lowly wannabe author who would really really like to publish a book so I can check that off of my list of things to do before I turn 30, if you would finally take a look at one of my book ideas. I am available at any moment of every day for that call I know you will be giving me.
Keeping it real.
CMax
The Castle at Fairy Tale Land
89 steps past the babbling brook
Your Imagination, NY
Phone: 2ki-ssa-frog
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete(Sorry for the deletion - found a typo.)
ReplyDeleteDear [Agent],
You may remember me from my query letter regarding my 75,000-word YA urban fantasy novel [title redacted], to which you replied with a form rejection. Let it be known that I bear you no ill will for that. Actually, I'm grateful. Had you not shown me that pursuing the life of a YA fantasy writer was foolish, I might have never realized my true calling.
So let me ask you this, [Agent]. Have you ever fallen in love with your worst enemy?
Joanie Sunflower is a small town girl with big dreams. Ever since she was a young lass, she longed to run her fingers across the raised letters of her name on a hardcover book, she longed to draw fame and fortune to her ample bosoms and hold them in her tight embrace. She toiled on her debut manuscript for many years, and what's more, she even found the perfect literary agent to represent her! Could life have been more perfect?
When suddenly! The agent she so carefully selected sent her a form rejection. OMG. Joanie was a mild-mannered girl, but an unstoppable rage rose up within her. How dare he! He clearly didn't understand genius when he saw it! Joanie resolved to hate the agent forever and ever and ever.
Little did Joanie know that she would run into that same agent later that night at the grocery store! They lived in the same town and she didn't even know it! Joanie was furious at her bad luck, but at the same time, intrigued. She didn't know that her would-be agent was quite so... alluring.
Joanie finds herself caught between her resolve and her feelings. How can the agent who crushed her dreams be so kind, so gentle? How can she find the courage to tell him who she really is? COULD THIS BE LOVE?!
One form rejection will burn her dreams away. But one chance meeting will raise them from from the ashes like a phoenix. Or something.
He's Just Not That Into Your Query is a 250,000-word romance manuscript in the rich tradition of Danielle Steel, Stephenie Meyer, and Michael Critchton. It may not be published yet, but it's already a hit: my mom says that it's the best thing she's ever read, and my best friend says that while she was reading it, she totally lost five pounds. Incidentally, my cell number is [number redacted]. Call me, lover.
(Don't worry if you don't have time, though. I'll be stopping by your house later.)
Kisses,
Becky
I am a client and ineligible for the win (or FTW, as the kids say), but here is my carefully crafted entry.
ReplyDeleteDear Mr. BrFishcerford;
What would you do if you could live forever? Also, you are a superheroes?
Sixteen year old Capelin Sanderson is just your average sixteen year old. She goes to high school and has a paper route. But things are about to get complicated because Capelin just found out that she is from a long line of vampire hunters!! Trouble is, she doesn’t know it yet……until she finds a book in her grandma’s attic that tells her everything she needs to know about hunting vampires and zombies. Capelin is the only one who can read the mysterious writing in the book which is in a foreign language that nobody can identify, but Capelin’s immortal hunter powers allow her to read it. Trouble is, once she reads the book a portal to a demon world is opened up…in her bedroom closet! Ack! What’s a girl to do when her prom dress is sucked into a demon world where the Prince of Demons will stop at nothing to stop Capelin from hunting him down?
She has to kill all the demons and vampires in the sleepy, unsuspecting town of Pleasant Hollow in time to make it to the prom…becaue her date is hunky captain of the basketball team, senior Tristan Chase McCabe! Trouble is, what Capelin and Tristan both do not know is that Tristan is actually an angel who’s been sent to Earth in a mortal body to learn how to fight demons. Capelin only gets one chance to make Tristan love her before he is summoned back to the Angelic Forces to fight the demons. Can Capelin teach him how to fight demons while she herself learns how to cope with being a vampire hunter? Or will true love be denied forever when she finds out that she is the demons? Because the trouble is, the Demon Prince wants Capelin to stop hunting him down…because she is half-demon and half-faeriey, is his promised bride! How can Capelin love an angel when she is destined to rule Hell?
All hell breaks loose!
My quirky paranormal romance adventure fiction novel with a sci-fi twist is called DAIRY OF A TEEN AGE VAMPIRE HUNTER: THE DEMON PRINCE(SS) (subtitle: ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE). It is 200,000 words and will touch readers age 9 to 99 and has been well received by critics (my friends and my sister). The complete manuscript is attached as requrested. This book has the potential to be a long series.
I am very interested in a multi-book deal and don’t want to screw around. If you are the agent who can get me the multiple book deal I deserve then let’s talk. Are you interested in being at the spearhead of my meteoric rise to literary stardom? Fifteen percent of all this could be yours. I wouldn’t hesitate if I were you. I see myself as the next Stephanie Meiers/Suzanne Cullins/JK Rolling. For reals.
Sincerely,
Mac N. Chiese, Author.
Dear Ms. Reid,
ReplyDeleteI wrote a book entitled "Family Ties". The genre is women's fiction. It is complete at exactly around 80, 000 words. I have attached the first 50 pages for your review and consideration.
After her mother gets in a car accident, Sheila Howard returns home after a five year hiatus. Her mother is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's disease. She finds her family in the mist of dealing with Alzheimer's disease. She faces tough choices about what to do with her mother and finds herself dealing with issues--the suicide of her husband and sibling rivalry--she thought had been long buried.
Peep this. Although I am pre-published, I have a compelling story unlike anything else out there today. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Latoya Alloway
Hey Nelly (was that your name?), remember me? We sat together on the bus the other day and I told you all about my book? You know, the one about the psychotic axe-murderer who stalks a literary agent until she agrees to represent him? I didn’t really listen to what you said at the time cause I was so busy telling you all about me and my book, but I think you said my idea sounded “quite interesting”?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, here I am sending you the full manuscript, all 235,541 words of it. I wasn’t sure whether to copy it into the email or attach the document so I’ve done both. I didn’t want to make you wait until I’d finished the revisions, so sorry if it’s a bit rough – you can fix that easily I’m sure. I’ve written the book in this really cool font, which might be a bit hard to read, but I think I really gives you an idea of the axe-murderer’s personality.
A friend of mind said I needed to write something called a query letter, but honestly, what more do you need to know? I told you all about the book in our hour-long chat anyway.
I know you said you were busy with other things when I spoke with you, but I also know how much it will help your career to represent me.
So, I’ll be waiting for your call. On second thoughts, I might call this afternoon just to make sure you got my email. I’ll give you a couple of days after that to read the book and come up with a big discount off your standard fees for the privilege of being my agent!
And you never know. I might even see you on the bus again soon! And I followed you home after our fantastic chat, so don’t worry if we don’t meet again on the bus. I’ll definitely pop over for a visit.
I’m so looking forward to being friends. And I know you’re going to make me squillions once my book gets published. So I’m going to stick real close to you from now on.
Bye for now.
Johnny
PS – I did mention the book was based on my life. Didn’t I? Well, even if I didn’t, you know now. I think they’ll want to make a movie out of it, for sure. I don’t know who I want to play me though, George Clooney, maybe. I think he’d make a good axe-murderer, don’t you think? Or maybe I’ll appear as myself. I’ve always wanted to try acting. In fact, do you represent actors as well? How great would that be for you, being able to represent an author and actor. What a package deal! Actually, I met some great guys the time I was locked up in prison, and I think I might tell them all about you as well. Can’t wait to can talk more about my book. And my movie. And me.
xx
Dear Ms. Fischer,
ReplyDeleteBarry has dreamed of being a rapper his entire life. When a monk shows up in his little town and doesn’t tell him to stop he is encouraged to continue in his life quest.
Barry, an Amish midget teenaged rapper, who lives in a rural Ireland and dreams of making it big in the Mountains of Nepal, is determined his music to the monks during their vows of silence.
But when he decides to follow the monk back to his homeland, an evil garden gnome vampire named Fuzzy Wuzzy, decides to stop him because he’s bored. Barry must learn the secret language of the ancient gnome makers and find their magic clay in order to defeat Fuzzy and create a good vampire gnome. To help in his quest is his secret love, Natalie-Trixie Bell, a washed up crack whore who works part time making sparkly birthday cakes.
“Yo Diggity, Barry Biddy Gets Crackalackin’,” was given benevolently to me by The Super Best Friends (Jesus, Buddha, Moses, Joseph Smith, Krishna, Lao Tzu, Muhammad, and Sea Man), who also spoke to the creators of South Park. They told me every word that I have written so far. The first three chapters are done, as is the second to last chapter. They have yet to tell me the middle or how it ends. They want it to be a surprise. I await their guidance of my fingers on the keyboard. They also gave me a new language which the entire world will one day speak after reading this novel, it will bring world peace.
Should I decide to accept you offer of representation, make sure you’re prepared to have an editor, publisher, and advancement pay ready to offer. I don’t have time to waste since I never know when the Super Best Friends will speak to me again. I highly recommend that you don’t pass on this offer, you will on the opportunity to change the world and make yourself a billionaire along with myself. Together, hand in hand (literally since we both live in Southern California), we will conquer our wildest dreams.
As you already know, I live in Southern CA. I live with my fourteen cats and two dogs in a studio apartment I rent from my parents. Shocking as it is to you, I have never written a book before. Never have I read what is considered a mainstream young adult book, but this will be a major crossover in every book section. Over the past seven years I have taken several writing classes online. Although I have to pass one, I know it’s because the teachers are all idiots. I double dare you to pass on my book. If you do, the Super Friends and I will find you and pray over you and outside your home, work, gym, and vacations until you change your mind. You are the only agent I’m sending this to because we are writing soul mates.
Love,
Sara and Super Friends
Here is my YA novel for you to publish.
ReplyDeleteEllie is sixteen, single and ready to mingle! Her former stripper mom taught her how to work it, so Ellie knows she can get a guy's attention, but she's not ready for who she gets (though, given what he does, she really shouldn't be...)
When the sorta creepy Jeremy (who is on probation for once installing a camera in the girls' locker room) starts flirting with Ellie, she immediately falls for him, because really, what's hotter than that? It's not like he wants to kill her.
OR DOES HE
Jemima, who is also 16 of course, has a bigger problem! She is convinced she'll find a real prince by kissing real frogs... then she falls in love with one. In his frog form. With no desire to change him into a human.
What does this story have to do with Ellie and her nasty boyfriend?
Actually I haven't worked that out yet, but I'll tie them together somehow. I'll make them have their lockers by each other or something.
You can get ahold of me however, but please don't call in the mornings because I sleep in and then go to breakfast. But, you can call anytime between noon and 3 AM. Or maybe 11:30 - 3:30. You know what, why don't we just leave it loose.
Thanks,
A
Hi Agent!
ReplyDeleteI'm REALLY looking forward to working with you on my book ZOMBIE LOVER. It's my first book ever, and it's almost done! I'm so excited about it I know you will be too. I think I'm super qualified to write this book because I totally LOVE zombies and I've seen all the George Romero movies. Sometimes I wish I were a zombie. I think that's why I sort of identify with the main character, Natalie. She's super hot but doesn't really know it, even though all the other eleventh grade boys want to date her. So anyway, Natalie falls in love with this guy Fischer, but what she doesn't know until later is that Fisch is a ZOMBIE!!!!!! I bet you didn't see that coming. So, Natalie decides she wants to be a zombie too!
Anyway, that's just about as far as I've written. I mean, it's really almost done but I just can't decide on how to end it. I guess Natalie just becomes a Zombie and her and Fisch just end up living (or not!! lol!) happily ever after. Like I want to do. When I'm a zombie.
Anyway! Oh, right, the book is about 30,000 words so far, but I think we could probably beef it up to be at least 100,000 words, since the last agent I queried told me that it wasn't long enough.
Anwyay, so I hope you can get me an advance because I quit school to write this book. Seriously, that's how BAD I want to be a writer! It's my dream. (Well, my other dream. I also still want to be a zombie.) Also, I wanted to tell you that I looked at your website and you seem really AWESOME so I thought maybe we could be friends as well as work on my book together!
Anyway, give me a call and let's get UNDEAD! (I don't mean that as a threat or anything...)
Hugz!
Duck (That's my penname)
PS, i hope you don't mind that I used your name for the main characters' names. I just really like your name! And I thought you might help you feel some attachment to my book! :)
PPS, I can't wait for you to call! I'm going to email you tomorrow to remind you to read my query because I just can't WAIIIIIIT!
Would you like to take a journey?
ReplyDeleteHi, I’m a writer with a story full of passion, love, heartache and passion. I have dreams about this book. Daydreams. Truly it’s the book of my heart. Because it’s about love, more than anything, and that’s what a book of the heart is truly about.
I really know about teenagers and this book will be their dream book. I watch Hannah Montana and sometimes I watch my niece. She told me about texting and I am also familiar with the abbreviations.
I hated to read when I was a kid, didn’t you? Even now I never waste my time reading the trash that is published today, ha ha you know what I mean! Anyway, that’s why I decided to write a book.
But enough about me! Let me tell you about my book!
Mitch is a special hero. He is full of passion and he loves Jenny more than anything. He would do ANYTHING for her. And he does. He really does, and I would tell you what, but you’ll find out when you read the book ;)
Jenny is perfect. Beautiful, charming, with a winsome smile. Every girl would love to be her. She’s spirited with a fiery temper and red hair to match.
There are so many other characters. I know you are excited to find out more! I attached my book as an attachment to make it easier. I’m sure you will know the perfect title for it after you read it. That’s why you get the big bucks ;) Right now the file is called “mybaby.doc” because that’s what this book is. It really is and you will agree!
I’m excited to take this journey with you… aren’t you?
Bye for now!
Jenny
Hi Agent,
ReplyDeleteDo you rep YA? Because I wrote a best seller.
I look forward to your response and can't wait to work with you.
Rachel
Dear Nattie, You Lucky Agent,
ReplyDeleteI am writing to you to tell you about the next number one best seller, I know you don’t handle this kind of novels, but I knew you wouldn’t want to miss your opportunity to represent someone as famous as I will be. My first book, 34,000 words in length, I know that itself is impressive. Tells about one boy’s journey into the world of magic, it sounds a lot like my adversary but its way different, and I’m not English.
Anyway this is a story of three friends that grow up together in a magic school. My best friend and mother both have read it and think it is absolutely fabulous. They have many adventures, too many to tell you in a short paragraph but they steal stuff, fight things, you know the basic yada yada yada… you get the idea. I don’t want to give away too much for fear someone will steal my idea. So I will tell you that I am only giving ten agents a chance to bid on my novel. I will then choose the one who best fits my needs. You will get a kick out of the name on my book. That will be revealed to the winning bidder. I will open bids up on Tuesday.
Also I have taken creative writing, which I couldn’t complete because my ex-boyfriend stole my car, and I couldn’t take the bus cause it didn’t go by the school. But I plan on finishing with the money I get from the sale of my manuscript. If you feel that editing is needed, I would need a small advance but I’m sure this is no problem for agents.
I know you look forward to hearing from me.
cc (my name is confidential due to some ambiguous reasons)
To whom it may concern:
ReplyDeleteI just finished writing an amazing book about a girl who ends up in a coma and she has to help a friend. Well, actually, it's her ex-friend. See, there were four friends who were really close and then one of them killed herself and the other three blame themselves. And my main girl, Jezzie, she's now secretly dating the dead girl's brother, and it has to be a secret because of the mom, who totally freaked out and blamed everyone when her daughter died. They all live on a dead-end street. Get it? Dead end. LOL But that was two years ago. Well, no. The suicide was two years ago, but they all still live on the same street. Well, not the dead girl, of course.
Now, Jezzie's in an accident and ends up in her ex-BFF's body and she has to deal with getting back to her body and a stalker and her ex-friend who's shallow and a cheerleader. She also has to deal with the head cheerleader, who's a royal bitch. Oops, wait. Am I allowed to say bitch in a query? Anyway, by the end of the book things are straightened out but not fully because this is the first of a trilogy. I guess it could be a standalone novel, but you really need to read all three books for the full effect.
I know you'll love this book. Its greatness is up there with Shakespeare, so it'll be a must-read in classrooms across the world. It's also as mind-bending as those Harry Potter books. Well, I think it is. I never actually read them, but I know people love them, and they'll love my book too. And it can totally be made into a movie, like Twilight, and that'll make you a lot of money too.
As for me, well, I am a mom to a couple of great kids. I used to work in retail and food-service and at an insurance company. Actually, I was a life insurance examiner and I saw a lot of death certificates. Since this book is a mystery (did I mention that?), that is helpful. I also took a creative writing class in high school—all four years. The teacher was super mean, but I learned a lot. That was twenty-five years ago. A lot of people tell me I have a great imagination and should really tell my stories, so here is the first one.
You can reach me at this email address. I hope you prefer email queries since I don't want to kill any trees, and of course, this way is free. :) Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to read my book. I know you'll love it. It'll make you happy and you'll realize what a gem it is instantly. No doubts!
Hugs and kisses,
Jenn
Dear Natalie,
ReplyDeleteDidn't you get my other twenty-seven emails? Why won't you write back? Is it because of what Taylor said? I promise I quit stalking her a couple of days ago. She's not the right agent for me, and I know that now. You are! After reading your blog, I know we have a special connection. Seriously, I've never found anyone like you--kittys, unicorns, awesome hair--we're meant to be! You've gotta believe that!
Stop listening to Taylor! And if my mom calls you, don't believe anything she says! Don't believe the FBI either! And the doctors and nurses here--they're the ones who are crazy! They're all out to get me! They want to keep us apart! It's a conspiracy to keep us from getting rich and running away to Hawaii when LIVING WITH ME AND ME: LIFE WITH SPLIT PERSONALITIES makes it big! They're all after our money. You believe me, right? RIGHT?!?!
Oh, and I heard you got "engaged" to that loser you were dating. Does he still wear that dumb cap and forget to clean the litter box? Anyway, nice cover, baby! It might not look good for you to agent the man you're really in love with! Ethic codes and all that crap.
Gotta go! I only hit the nurse hard enough to steal her laptop for a few minutes! More nurses are coming, and they're bringing a shot. Time for a nap!
Love you,
D. Lou Zhunal
P.S. If I don't hear from you soon, I'll have to give that other agent with the great hair a shot at this novel--Nathan something or other.
(Natalie--lots of fun! Thanks for the opportunity!)
Amy C.
Dear Miss "Fish":
ReplyDeleteSo, I just finished my super-awesome first draft of LAND OF GUPPIES, a psychiadelic dystopian that's a cross between Alice in Wonderland and Animal Farm. Since it's in verse, I've got to go back and make sure all my rhyme "work," you know, but really, it's basically finished.
The finctional novel is the story of SPOT, a fifteen-year old kitty princess who falls into a fishbowl in the middle of a revolution. I know, totally original, right? It's like monarchy meets communism... can the end result ever be democracy? Poli Sci teachers and English teachers alike will love, love, love this book, which means guaranteed sales to all the school districts in the country. AWESOME!!
The word count's right around 16,792, but don't quote me on that. I may have missed a word here or there in my counting (boy, that takes FORVERE, you think they'd invent a program for it or something).
Anyway, since you have "fish" in your name, I know LAND OF GUPPIES (option subtitle: A fish Tale) is a perfect fit for you. And just to give you a flavor of my writing style:
You are the agent for me,
We'll be as happy as two people can be,
Cause this book's got the fishes
That grant all our wishes,
Fame & fortune is in our destiny!
Love & fishy kisses,
Jessie Harrell
(glitter filled pink envelope sprinkled with vanilla fragrance)
ReplyDeleteDear Natty,
How are you? I was researching agents and I ran into your blog. You’re so pretty and you look so sweet, I thought you would be the perfect agent for me. I mean you’re young, nothing like some of those old hags in this industry. Some agents can be really mean, you know? In any other business people are fighting over clients, but agents are all ignoring the ones trying to hire them. It’s so weird and so disappointing I sometimes think of giving up and not finishing my novel at all. But then I saw you and I just knew you’d be dying to get my book!
I’m not so popular in school, so my mom said I should write about my frustrations. So I started writing and got really excited about it! It’s a fiction novel inspired in my own life, a very adventurous, sad and profound memoir-like YA romance. Most of it is true, but I want it to have a happy ending, so in the book I’ll end up getting a boyfriend, which I don’t have in real life. And maybe I’ll have like a makeover. I haven’t it all figured out yet. Anyway, the book is called “A Midwestern Cinderella Story – tales of a high school outcast”. It’s about my life and my innermost feelings and how these bitchy girls at my school gross me out. They are so bad I didn’t even have to make anything up, they’re the perfect villains. They’re going to have some surprise when my book comes out all pretty and it’s all like mean about them!
Anyways, this book will be a mix of Mean Girls, Princess Diaries, High School Musical, Running with Scissors and a few of those really tragic memoirs by awesome women. It’s also a bit like that movie with Leo DiCaprio in high school, except I don’t do drugs (but some of the people in my class totally do).
Let me know how much you can get for an advance. I know I’m only 17, but there’s no point in keeping writing this if I don’t make any money, right? I mean, you have no idea how crazy school is, so I really need some assurance that I won’t need a degree in order to make money. Oh, and I want Emma Watson to play me on the movie! Wouldn’t that be cool?
I can send you a few pages if you want. But don’t worry, this won’t be a long book. I’m thinking it will have about a hundred pages when I finish it. No one reads those huge books anymore, you know? But I do want a sparkly pink hard cover! Oh my gosh, this will be so fab!
Anyway, send me an email or a tweet or a facebook message. I totally have the feeling I won’t just be your favorite writer, I’ll be your BFF.
XOXO,
Gabriela Lessa <3
Dear Ms. Agent,
ReplyDeleteI am writing to you about my novel "The Green Pasture on the other side of the Fence gone way wrong." I know the title is long but we can squish the letters together. It's a psycho thriller with a twist of lime. Not the lime in Margaritas although one would be good right now. More of a lime-life. I have queried two thousand eight hundred and fifty nine agents, but I had to add them to my, you suck wall. No you don’t suck the responses to my queries suck. Anyway doesn’t anyone know good talent when they see it. I mean really how busy can you be. All you have to do is read e-mails, drink lattés, talk to publishers, with all your free time you surely could give me the courtesy of telling me verbatim what I need to do to polish this puppy off.
But enough about you, back to my novel “The Green Pasture on the other side of the Fence gone way wrong.” When the papers are stacked up, it’s about an inch thick. It’s about a woman who meets a neighbor who seems to be normal but is way not. He is a psycho. There is an awesome shower scene, a creepy lady, a black bird and a dog, which make up the main characters. Women of all ages will line up to read this, or drink. Not that I condone drinking but slap back a few jagerbombs, and you’ll enjoy this even more. I know I did.
I am hoping that you are the one agent that knows true talent. As for the other, well, thousand or so that have already over-looked me, it’s there loss. So you can e-mail, write, phone, page, or telepathically contact me. I looked up our zodiac signs and we are quite compatible. Also I enjoy motorcycle riding, playing with my .45 Smith and Wesson, taking long walks, oh yeah and mud wresting.
I will await your call.
Sidney (no not from Australia)
Dear Norman Fisher,
ReplyDeleteWant to read my memoire thingy, The Barefoot Years? It’s off the hook.
The story is about me. And being barefoot…for like…a long time. Years, even.
Please let a me know soon ‘cause I need the money from my book deal to pay for bunion surgery.
Peace Out,
Marsha Sigman
Dear Mrs. Fisher,
ReplyDeleteWhat is beter than Gone With the Wind? My book. If you call me write now, I will tell you about it, but just to give you an idea of the block-buster opis you don't want to miss, think Lord of The Rings, GWTW, and Stargate rolled into one with a dolup of Breave Heart. I now, I now. It defies beleaf that such a prise xsists, but I'm riting you wirte now to tell you it dows. It really dows. And I'm offuring it to you one a short-term, x-clusive opportunite because I know your a reputible agent and our looking for new awthors like me who now how to rite really grate books. I'm sure your busy, so I will give you three mounths. If you havn't called me by then, I'll call you. Thank you for your tyme.
Sincearly,
Rock Star Author
Dear Natalia Fisher,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to bring my query to you in person, but I don't get out of the big house for another year. For wutever reason they won't give me a leave to bring this to you. I hope the pink paper is your favorite color.
My kids book-LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF DING DONGS- is approximately 145,789 words short. I wrote it in about three days (we got a lot of free time here ya know). It's about this kid...his name is..umm...Nick. Yeah Nick. Anyway Nick is a real winner. He's in love with Josie (yeah I copied it from Josie and the Pussycats). But of course it wouldn't be a kids fiction novel without a love triangle, so there's Mac too. Mac is as big as a Mac truck. I really love him, he's my favorite.
Anyway back to the story. Nick and Josie have to find out why they have superpowers. Nick can scale some really tall buildings and Josie can put people to sleep with her singing. If they don't find out where their powers came from and how to control them then the world is defintely going to end.
When Mac comes along he throws a monkey wrench in their plans. It's his job to keep them from finding out what they are looking for. Do you think he is successful? Before you answer that you should know that Mac falls in love with Josie. Well, I'm not going to tell you if he stops them or not, because that would ruin the story.
I'd be happy to send you my manuscript. It's a mix between Orson Wells and Stephenie meyer that everyone will want to read. I guarantee it is a best seller for sure. Oh yeah, and if you could...plz respond ASAP my baby daddy needs the money to pay for diapers and food. This could be a sequel too. I promise I could write it quick.
From Behind Iron Bars,
Myztik
Dear Mrs. Lindsay,
ReplyDeleteHave you ever imagined what it would be like to be a six year old girl and accidentally get up during the night because you needed a drink and catch your mom and dad making whoopee?
Because that is exactly what happened to me. My name is Sally and I'm six years old. I was thirsty and I got up to get a drink and I saw some things that totally confused my little six year old brain.
What's That in Mommy's Hand is a fiction picture book that addresses a real problem that a real six year old like Sally faces all over the world, except that Sally is fictional. If you have ever had your six year old daughter walk in on you at a "private" moment you will realize just how important a book like this will be for parents of children like Sally.
For my families privacy because of the sensitive nature of this picture book, I can not tell you my name. Please make arrangements with my lawyer Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe at 555-9123.
As a followup to my query, I would like to point out that even though I am not eligible for your contest, I can send you artwork for my picture book upon your request.
ReplyDeleteAs a followup to my followup I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your time and consideration. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind me following up again. I promise this will be the last time. I was just wondering if you have had a chance to review my query yet. I totally understand if you have not had time yet, really I do.
ReplyDeleteMy friend suggested that I followup with you one more time to see if you got my query and my other messages to you. When my lawyers open tomorrow please contact them to let them know as soon as possible. This is very important to me.
ReplyDeleteDear Miss Fischer (soon to be Mrs., I here):
ReplyDeleteI think queries are a waste of yours and mine time, so I figured I'd just attached my entire manuscript to this here email. And since I'll be in your neck of the woods, heck I'll just come on by and drop another copy off in cases you don't get the attachment that my computer just said might have a little bit of a virus.
I think we'll make tons of money together and I look forwarded to meeting you next week at your office.
Sincerely,
Jacqueline Ripper
Dear Ms. Fischer:
ReplyDeleteDally Ance is a high-priced NYC callgirl with a penchant for solving hotel murders. Her latest hits close to her red sequined pocketbook when she stumbles upon the body of her Johnny-come-lately boyfriend-come-pimp, Flyn G. in the linen cart on the 35th floor of the Astoria.
With only a neon green lipstick tube and the hastily scribbled name of a horse--at least, she hopes it's a horse because she'd kill Flyn G. herself if he was seeing anyone named Musty Cheeseboard--Dally faces her toughest mystery yet.
Dealing with crooked cops, government cover-ups, and a new handler who's more pimple than pimp, Dally ends up sprawled against the wall (and not in a good way) when she's forced to choose: uncover Flyn's murderer and risk "disappearing" herself, or stand by as the police sweep Flyn's case under the rug, leaving the killer free to strike again.
ESCORT EXPIRED is a 69,069-word romantic mystery with thrills and chills (and a few good sex tips) suitable for anyone with sufficient blood-flow to blush.
This is my fifty-seventh book in the series, but the first one I've sent out to agents (woot! losing my query cherry!). I like to knit and collect UPC codes from bologna packages (I once won a cruise!) whenever I'm not at the keyboard. Please contact me between 9:00 a.m. and 9:17 a.m. EDT on even-numbered days, or between 10:42 p.m. and 10:48 p.m. on odd-numbered days (unless there's an new moon, half moon, or full moon - then you need to add 23 minutes to odd times or subtract 4 hours and 53 minutes from even times). I only check my email on February 29th, so phone is best.
I look forward to your rave reviews and offer of representation.
Sincerely,
Ima Weebit-Wacko
Dear Fish-cakes (I love that nickname dont you)!
ReplyDeleteHi sweetie!! I've been following your work and I've noticed that you don't really have a winner yet (don't worry the world wasn't actually made in six days) so I thought I'd send you a letter because I know how much you'd appreciate having a real book to represent (like mine) so that we can make lots and lots of money together (but I still get more--well iron out contract details later).
So I present to you (get it? because of represent? like for an agent) your new bestseller: HOT HEARTS!!! It's about two werewolves who eat red hots because they were for sale (this all happens in the prolog so I'm not giving anything away yet don't worry) and they fall in love with each other (also in the prolog) but they end up sweating alot because of the spell and people suspect that they might be werewolves (this is part of the dream sequence) and then they have to find out who put the spell on them but they weren’t really under a spell because it turns out... (HA! Like I’d give away the ending?
Everyone I’ve shown it to thinks it’s so much better than all of the other books that they’ve read (which are pretty stupid) even Twilight and Harry Potter and Little Women (why doesn’t jo end up with Laurie? that is the stupidest romance ever and it makes no sense)! My mom even took it with her to her work and everyone there thinks it was so much better than everything else too (even Tony)! Anyway right now I have to work, but I’m going to quit my job soon so I can focus on my fiction novels, which is where my real talents are at. Anyway I attached the book here so you can read it (but don’t show anyone else I talked to a lawyer about copyright all ready) and since it’s 627 pages I will give you a week to finish.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
We’re going to have so much fun!!! I’ll stop by your office later to bring you something I’ve baked for you (don’t worry no red hots!! lol)
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI would like to submit my nonfiction project about the lost city of Pompeii to you because I know this is exactly your kind of thing. I have titled my manuscript POMPEII ON VOLCANO DAY and it's either 50,000 or 65,000 words, depending on if I want to keep the chapter giving detailed descriptions of the deaths accompanying all the pictures I drew, which I found very emotional.
Because there is so little information out there on Pompeii, I didn't bother doing any research. Especially since I channeled about 98% of what is in the book, so I can guarantee that it is the MOST accurate information available on the market. I think you will especially like my chapter that takes an in-depth look at the Doctor Who episode about Pompeii and the detailed accuracies portrayed in the event. My personal favorites chapter are the conspiracy theories listed behind the disaster.
I decided not to send a SASE since the spirits have whispered that not only will you want me as a client, but that the publisher wants a sequel about the lost city of Atlantis. I am pleased to inform you that I am already hard at work on this new project, so will be unavailable for phone interview for the next two weeks as I am communicating with the spirits.
Sincerely,
Karen Gillan Pond
Hiya,
ReplyDeletehere's my novel. When willl you sent the bucks? I'll call ya tomorrer with the bank details.
Katie
P.S. I'll tell you my contakt info on the phone cause I wouldn't want it to float on the Net. You know the buggers out threre, don't ya?
Dear Natalie,
ReplyDeleteI think you're the Natalie I was in PE with freshman year. Is that you? I'm a writer now and I have a great idea for a book but I don't wanna write it unless you think it'll sell. It's about a girl whose dad died but she still rides horses just like he taught her. I think I can work in some paranormal elements if you think that will make it sell faster. I know I'm a good writer so let me know if you want me to write this book.
Love,
Me
Author's note: I am a client so this doesn't count for the 75. This is Amy A, hi Natalie!
ReplyDelete---
Dear Mrs. Fischer,
It is with great respect that I write to sincerely offer you the services of myself as a writer and my new manuscript, Searching for Dracula, a literary masterpiece of prosaic elegance that combines the Dracula mythology and archetypes with a new feminist spin in contemporary times. I have recently completed my Master’s Degree in English Literature at Online University, and have learned many important things about how to craft a delicately balanced, lucidly written story with delightful and soulful characters.
Searching for Dracula tells the haunting tale of an ordinary woman, Emily Pascal, living in Beaverton, Oregon, which is the suburb I am from, which lends extra realism to my descriptions of Beaverton, the “concrete city of mundanity” as Emily thinks of it on page 3.
When Emily decides she is eminently bored with her incredibly simple suburban life, she ends up attending church. But this is no ordinary church, it is a “church” comprised entirely of women who have dedicated their entire lives to worshipping the Dracula myth and attempting to achieve vampire-hood themselves by burying themselves in the ground each night and chanting haunting chants. As Emily forms strong familiar attachments to one of the women, a young woman named Lucy Parker who lost her parents in a fire at age three and then went on to become a circus performer at age seven before finally becoming homeless by choice at age twenty-two, Emily realizes that Lucy is a true vampire and also that she is in love with Lucy. Lucy is the reincarnation of Dracula and through ancient magic she has taken over Dracula’s role as the world’s only true vampire, and now she must decide whether to kill her friend and lover or let her live. I
know this sounds like fantasy but with the literary style and flair of my writing this book will appeal to all audiences as it is really a character study of two women finding themselves and their true identities for the first time in life, framed from a vampiric perspective.
As I mentioned, I have a Master’s Degree in English Literature from Online University and my essays got very positive and striking reviews from my many diverse professors. In my spare time, I enjoy avidly gardening and making goat cheese from the goats I keep in my backyard, as I now live on a farm in Indiana, but I grew up in Beaverton so I have a great deal of intimate insider’s knowledge of the setting of my novel.
I would love to speak with you about how my novel can truly boost your client list and bring you commission, and look forward to striking a business deal that will mutually benefit both of us together.
With sincere interest,
Overdone Prose
Deer Agent,
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome!!!! :) just wanted to tell you that! I LOVE all of the books you've helped published, there A-MAZ-ING!!!!
Seriously.
OK, so, umm, I kinda wrote a book. Wanna hear what it's about?
Yay!
OK so it's about this girl--oh and it's a fantasy, I think it ended up being 350 pages, but I'll email you later with the deats--anyway, this girl, she's magical, there's lots of action. IT WILL BE LIKE NOTING YOU'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE!!!
So there's this sweet love to with this guy, and this girl has a family, and they are all from this other world. They are otherworldly!
So, umm, yeah, I guess that's it!
Please please PLEASE request a partial--but a FULL would be even BETTER!!!
You rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerly,
Anonomys (you don't need to know my name yet) ;)
(OK, so, I don't think I could have done worse, but we'll see! *crossing my fingers* Thanks for the great contest!!!)
Ione likes going to school. Until one day. It’s the day everything changes. First, she gets in a car accident on her way to school. But if that’s not bad enough, she hits Derek Rodgers, the handsome quarterback of her school’s team.
ReplyDeleteDerek is furious about Ione crashing into his brand new car – a special Porsche his parents had custom ordered for him for his sixteenth birthday. He planned on taking out his dream girl, Jessica Meyers and now he has nothing but his mom’s old volkswagon to drive.
So he comes up with a plan to make Ione’s life miserable. It starts with one little whisper in the hallway – she had been drinking before the crash. By afternoon, the whole school thinks quiet, wallflower Ione is a raging drunk who sleeps around.
But she’s not going to let Derek get away with it. Ione is plotting revenge.
CRASHED is a complete young adult contemporary novel of 54,000 words. If you enjoy the GOSSIP GIRL novels and BEFORE I FALL, you’ll like this book. I’ve been writing since I was in grade school. I won an award for best short story by a student my senior year in high school. Thank you for your consideration.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Sirs,
ReplyDeleteI know you've already gotten to 75 contestants, but once you read my query you'll want to not only give me your prize but publish my book as well.
I lost your address, but I recently found it after looking up again. I have been querying tons of agents, but I haven't had much luck. I get the feeling none of you want to work with an unknown--but I'll try again. I think I have the novel you've been waiting for--the one whose sales will eclipse Twilight, Harry Potter and The Hunger Games combined. I have been working on this manuscript for almost 10 years now, so it is totally polished and ready to go to print tomorrow, if you so choose, because I know it is the next big thing!
Since it has taken me ten years to iron out this novel, I do not have any others in the works. But I can bang out a second novel in a couple of years. This one will make so much money, though, that it won't matter for a while.
Cookie Jean, our main character, is a 16-year-old girl who has run away to communist Russia. There, she meets a gang of gypsy thieves. At first, she is scared of them and Joe, the Gypsy King, is scared of her because she doesn't speak Russia. Finally, he negotiates with her by buying her blue jeans. There is a rage in Cookie's eyes that is incomprehensible to the gypsies, who help her uncover the secrets to her past. They go to Odessa and then Paris and then to Moscow, trying not to leave a trail behind. Others in the group are Kelly, the gypsy princess and Paul. Together, they form the Band of Anti-Communist Leaders, a dangerous group of fighters who band together to defeat Stalin, and also uncover Cookie's dark secret, which is so shocking to all of them that they wonder if they can continue their mission.
This thriller will take you on a historical fantasy ride you'll never forget. Also, they meet magic talking birds and lots of them, who help guide their way to Stalin and help uncover Cookie's heinous secret.
All of my friends say this story is excellent and publishers will bid for it at auction. My mother is especially fond of the story. I just need you to give me a chance. I know this will make a million dollars. Please take a chance on an unknown author, like others have been unwilling to do!
Peace and Light,
S
In true horrible query fashion, I didn't read what the prize was before I posted. And I'm out since I already have an agent....but we'll leave my query here for funsies.
ReplyDeleteTo whom it may concern,
ReplyDeleteI have just finished my first ever fiction novel, TRIANGLE LOVE, that might blow your mind. It's YA paranormal fantasy romance suspense but could be considered as a literary novel aimed at adults.
It's a classic tale of a girl meets vampire and werewolf or more like a sequel to the infamous TWILIGHT saga. However, my vampires are not sparkly, LOL.
I've written this 160K to 180K-word novel in 2nd POV in present tense to make it real exciting! However, for copyright issues, I can't go into detailed synopsis. But I can promise you that the love between my three characters will make you want to pick up your phone and call me! Plus, there's a HUGE potential for a series!!
Thanks for your time and I'll be on the look out for you on Twitter!!
Sincerely,
Author
P.S. I'm open to changing the POV to 1st or 3rd and rewrite to past tense, whichever you prefer. I'm open to ideas!!!
Good and another post from you admin :)
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ReplyDelete